How to Navigate Friendship in Your 40s

As a self-proclaimed introvert, I am the first to realize how hard it is to make new friends. I consider myself one of the lucky ones, but there are a handful of rides or runs that can call at 3am and I have no questions asked, but I have lived in the same state as any of them. There is a different dynamic between the friendship that fills the cup after a 10-minute audio note, meeting in person, building a community and watching every day.

And the latter category that finds exponentially difficult as you get older, especially if you’re approaching a beautiful age of 40. I don’t stereotype label ages in my late 30s to early 40s, but it feels like an unsustainable time. Maybe you’ll raise a child, make career moves, build a dream home, or take care of an aging parent. While the new generation prepares to overtake you, you are just spanning a world where you are just beginning to feel some ownership. Who will show up, be confident yet vulnerable, and have time to make new friends? Is it even worth it in a very political and tense time to save space for someone else?

Yes, I’ll insist. This can be the busiest time of life for so many women, but it can also be lonely. Recent Harvard research It revealed that people ages 30-44 are the loneliest group. Respondents said they were lonely “frequently” or “always.” Gen Z may draw a lot of attention on this, but the middle-aged, quiet caregivers of us are some of the most affected. I need friends! So let’s take a look at how the process feels like a feat and an honorable investment.

Functional images by Michelle Nash.

Why is friendship in your 40s so difficult?

Again, I’m introverted here and say that socializing often requires far more bandwidth than I feel I have to give. Given all areas of our energy, caregivers, caregiving, children, and self-improvement, we feel there is a bit left to focus on new people.

There is also a very realistic threatening factor that involves trying to win spots with a pre-established group of friends. Especially if you move into a new area where everyone appears to have friends (they were there), you need enormous amounts of confidence to resist the fear of relating to high school. Culture likes to say, “Your people should be there by now.” But in reality, most people aren’t. You need to find someone who sees your worth as much as you do.

Why friendship is more important than ever

The truth is, we need connections. Outside the screen, there is no substitute for the real benefits of actual face time, beyond the virtual high five. Friendship in your 40s may feel like an uphill climb, but it is a pursuit worth obsessing.

• Benefits of mental and physical health: Deep social connection = longer and healthier living. a Research on PLOS medicine People with strong social relationships were found to have a 50% higher survival rate compared to people with weak relationships. It’s like quitting smoking.
• Modeling connection: How you will appear in the world will be witnessed by your children, your partner, and those around you. When you see a friend texting them to check in, prioritizing coffee dates, repairing rifts with humility, you learn what it means and what it is alive in the community.
• Width depth: If there is a mantra of friendship in your 40s, then Quality rather than quantity. The older I get, the more I am, I am grateful for the freedom to be myself. This is a victory for mature friendships, allowing you to skip posture and dive into what’s really important.
• Community as Resilience: If you’re in your 40s, the world has changed a lot since you were 20 (do you dare say it, even because you were 35?). Your current social life doesn’t need to mimic your college days, but in the post-pandemic, ZOOM-familiar society, you always need quiet, human comfort that someone sees you and knows they’re there for you.

How to develop friendships you already have

If you’re in your 40s, it could include friendships that have come into the season quite a bit. They are rare gems. Those who saw you throughout many lives and helped you on the other side. These friendships will become great soundboards and anchors for the busiest and most difficult moments of life.

• Lower the bar: You’ve made history. Now the benefits of longer friendships can be balanced with quick voice memos, walk and talk, or 10 minutes of coffee catch-up. Remove pressure from the required daily hangs to build up closeness. Maintain small moments.
• Learn the language of love: Yes, this is also important for friendship! Be clear about asking how your friends feel valuable and how they receive love best. Don’t underestimate the power to ask, “How can I become a better friend for you?” Follow the answer.
• Building a ritual: Monthly book clubs, birthday brunches, or quarterly video calls are light and consistent. Perhaps the era of spontaneity has diminished, but the calendar’s commitment to specific times and dates is just as rich.
• Tell your care: The text does not need to be long. “Thinking of You” goes a long way, just like a quick note in affirmation. When the recipient is a friend, you will never regret being generous with your words.
• Give (and ask) grace: Life happens – don’t make guilt a barrier. If you feel you’ve dropped the ball during check-in or follow-up with a friend, ask for forgiveness. We all know what it means to be human. There is a powerful repair to acknowledge that and find a way forward.

How to make new friends in your 40s (yes, that’s possible!)

Now the intimidating part is coming: how do you show up and ask someone to become your friend? The best advice is to take your time. You may encounter closed people who are happy with their group of friends. Those people are not for you. Friendships in your 40s are deeper, more intentional and more fulfilling than they were younger. Being open, humble and confident will attract the right thing to your trajectory.

• Go where your people are: Let your interests lead. Fitness classes, local events, parent meetups, creative workshops – what interests can be a natural icebreaker to get to know new people.
• It makes you open and curious: Ask questions and listen carefully. In many cases, relationships are small. Again, this is not about buds of friendship overnight, or slowly developing a skill set in places where there may be an opening for connection.
• Take advantage of our online space: From local Facebook groups to peanuts, bumble BFF and even community apps like those lined up on social media. It may feel a little awkward, but remember.
• More often say yes: It’s easy to stay by default, especially if your life feels very busy. But try saying “yes” a little more often. Try out some casual invitations that pop up in quick coffee, walks after drop-offs, or group chats. All “yes” are small acts of taking a stance towards something new.
• Note the micromoments: The beginning of friendship is often hidden by obvious vision. The mom you saw in school pickup, the neighbor you waved dozens of times, the person next to you at the market on Saturday. Start with a smile and then simply say, “How about your week?”
• Become an initiator: At the heart of this is about intention to build friendships in your 40s. It is to model the appearance of warmth, curiosity, courage, and the thoughtfulness that you would like to experience. It may not happen immediately, but when it is done, it is rooted in depth, alignment, and shared life experiences.

I’ll rewrite the story

Middle-aged friendships may look different, but they can be deeper, more intentional and nourishing more souls than ever before. This is a full season for many of us, but that means giving us a lot of wisdom too. By being available and open, we can build a community where we see exactly that it is for our unique life journey. Take one small step today to reach out to that friend today. When friendship blooms, it is always worth the wait.