Navigating these uncertain times

Dear Michael,

I tricked my boyfriend and I can’t forgive him for me.

A few months ago, I slept with another man. I can’t really explain why I did that. There is an agreement that Sam and I are monogamous and we believe in monogamy.

Rick, “the other guy” and I have been friends for a long time, but that just happened. Rick is very attractive. I think he has a great personality. We were having dinner together and a little too much to drink. We left together after we started making and went to his place.

Unfortunately, a friend of Sam’s eyes saw us kissing in the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just kissing).

I was very disappointed in myself and told Sam over and over again.

But he continues to get mad at me. Every time I go out, he tells me to “behave.” He told me I couldn’t see Rick anymore, and he had my “Find My Phone” feature activated so he could check my whereabouts at any time. He also has all my passwords and checks everything regularly. It’s like being randomly drug tested by my boyfriend.

On the one hand, I understand. I need to destroy his trust and rebuild it.

Meanwhile, when I try to meet higher standards in the future, it is difficult to live with his obvious light empt and his skepticism.

The truth is that I am beginning to resent constant scrutiny and lightly empty. I actually told him that and after he exploded at me and hurt him like I did, I said I had no right to feel this way.

Is one episode of affair really that bad?

According to Sam, yes – because I did that and didn’t tell him. He says he never knew if his friend had told him about it, and this is what he might have done or maybe he would. Make him question.

All I can say is that I repented and told him everything I did when he knew. So I want to be honest.

I don’t know how I’ll recover from this.

Michael replies:

If one partner is a probation officer and the other partner is on probation, you cannot have a loving relationship. As you find, you get caught up in a cesspool of res and doubt.

An alternative approach is: First, focus on giving Sam a reason to trust you every day, every hour. This means behaving in a reliable way.

Big question: What is trustworthy behaviour?

Of course, you need to consider Sam’s level of emotion and comfort when deciding how to act as his partner. But you can’t base your standards on what Sam asks. And you can’t do everything he asks.

That’s what you’re doing now, with all your password checks and location tracking, it’s angry, scared, mean, making a second guess. Also, your relationship is disproportionate as you are subordinate to others rather than two equal partners.

Another problem: It is a fact of life that when people are being seen, they often try to find some way to “cheat.” I’m not saying that Sam’s surveillance will need or drive you to connect again. But the continued scrutiny certainly makes people want to hide things. It’s not a good dynamic for intimate relationships.

Another way to rebuild trust is: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, which standards and restrictions have integrity to you (again, take a lot of consideration for what is important to Sam). Try to meet these standards. Keep going every day. You will be proud of yourself and are solid in your belief that you are a trustworthy person.

This may take time. I understand that you broke Sam’s trust, and perhaps his heart. You need to build a track record for him to make sure he is accountable to you.

You may be facing a dilemma as it happens frequently in intimate relationships. They have a way of enforcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Sam’s demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, continuous scrutiny and cross-examination may not bear in close relations.

It may be helpful to explain to Sam why it is important to have boundaries from time to time to strengthen and develop more loving relationships.

While you, a lost partner, write this letter, there are important points that SAM (or someone in his position) should consider in order to repair the relationship following an affair. We’ll address these in the next column.

Michael Radkovskypsy.D. DC couples and individuals who work with licensed psychologists, he can find online Michael Radkowsky.com. All identification information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Do you have a question? Please send to [email protected].