***
As the attachment to Seseria grew, Charles and I talked about what was happening in our lives and my heart.
“Why she?” He asked. “What is the draw? She is not very kind to you.”
“I can’t explain,” I said. “But it’s all consumed. I’m sleeping thinking about her. I wake up thinking about her. It’s not what I chose. It’s just.”
We talked about the tendency to form an unusually strong woman’s bond to jump into my closest relationship. When I chose a high school friend and she chose another friend and changed our duo to a trio, I thought so hard about how long I did. I remembered my girl’s crash in a camp counselor, which accounted for more than a lot of space in my head. I remembered a high school teacher of a female female where my after -school classroom became my destination.
“Do you feel this is different from friendship?” He asked.
I nodded, even though I couldn’t completely clarify the reason.
Charles then confronted me the biggest problem in my life: “Are you gay?”
He told Charles when he began to cry, “I don’t know.” “I participated in this secret online group’s later lesbian, who said that if you were asking a question, you knew you were gay. That is me. What does that mean you can think now?
“I think we probably know what it means,” he said. “And I say this to you: I can do a lot for you. I can be your lover, your husband and your friend, but,, If you want a girlfriend, I can’t do that. ”
“I don’t think you are,” he said. “I didn’t say I wanted a girlfriend. It’s from you.”
“Seriously, Katrina,” he said. “If you want a girlfriend, there is a girlfriend.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
Charles, who gave me permission to explore my sexuality, opened a Pandora box that will never be closed again. After the children went to bed, I started spending time in the evening with Seseria and began to share conversations with red wine. My desire for her was alive and breathing.
Charles and I have discussed many ways to balance our relationship and save marriage. We talked with a close friend with a counselor Laura. Of course, he told me to find a girlfriend, but it wasn’t easy when I did it. It was not easy. He was, of course, lonely when I was with Seseria. And in that loneliness, all the fear, doubts and anxiety became home.
“I want you to plan a boy’s weekend,” he said. “Reconnect with an old friend, go to drinks, chase women, and listen to music. It’s very good for you.”
But he was at home.
“I want you to make a new friend,” he said. “Or it is connected to an old thing. It’s good to have a drink colleague and a golf together. Why don’t you go to find that person?”
But he did not.
And when those ideas were dull, I said. “Do you want to date? Will you reduce loneliness?”
He imagined him alone with another woman, and thought about his hand on her small back, stunned me. It was hypocritical to me, but this was not the case. He is the only man I always loved. There is no other person beyond him.
His idea with another woman felt redundant to me. I felt like a substitute. Another soft body. Perhaps a long hair full of long hair replaced with another color. I felt a little different, but the finger that felt almost the same was almost the same. Soft and supple from lotion and potion. Smooth from wax. Familiar scent.
We had a friend for open marriage and asked them all related questions. How did you work? How did you make your relationship a primary? How did you establish the rules and boundaries? How did you feel? How do you fail?
“It’s beautiful to see a happy and fulfilling loved one,” Christine told me. “It’s a concept called Compersion. When Steve returns home and tells him everything about his date, I always know that he’s the number one. And I love seeing him very happy.
I wanted to see Charles happy.
“But how about jealousy?” I asked her.
“I don’t feel jealous,” Christine said. “Everything is to establish rules and boundaries, and stick to them, so there is no surprise or secret.”
Source: BuzzFeed – LGBTQ – www.buzzfeed.com
