The tipping point where I finally got fed up with my shitty situation was when I was texting and hanging out with a married coworker during a dating app binge. It felt like we were emotionally entangled. Tensions had been building for months through texting with no boundaries and confessing things to each other. The moment I found myself wanting to sleep with him, and knowing I would if I had the chance, I knew something needed to change.
I felt defeated. I felt defeated and sick. I had no idea how to fix the mess I’d gotten myself into.
A healing journey
Healing didn’t happen overnight. I found initial solace in 12-step programs like Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, and began to rebuild myself, brick by brick. These programs became the foundation for building a home within myself — a home that didn’t rely on others to repair my shattered self-esteem.
Taking a break from dating was crucial. I looked inward, journaled and dated myself every day. I learned to enjoy being alone and be happy just being myself. It wasn’t just the 12-step program that helped; mental health interventions like therapy, medication and hospitalization also helped. I also received treatment for my eating disorder and immersed myself in hobbies and communities that helped me connect with myself.
By the end of the memoir, three years after that nadir in 2016, I had regained a sense of peace. Here’s an excerpt that captures this shift.
“When I find myself obsessing over a stranger on a bus or feeling the urge to reach out to an ex, I recognize how brave I was to muster up the courage to choose a different path, and I rejoice in how much I’ve learned. Instead of trying to make room for myself in someone else’s, I can choose to build my own house with materials that will last. The floors are built with self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-love. The walls are built with the support of friends, 12-Step fellows, mentors, therapists, and sponsors. The roof is built with forgiving myself for doing the best I could at the time, but knowing I should have tried harder. The fireplace burns with my determination to never again accept what is unacceptable, from myself or anyone else. And from now on, I’ll be honest with myself about whether the door I’m about to open is a healthy one, or one that should remain closed forever. I breathe a sigh of satisfaction, knowing I now have the wisdom to know the difference.”
Now, whether I’m dating, single, or in a relationship, my mental health is my number one priority. I commit to being a whole person who doesn’t need others to fix or complete me. By prioritizing self-love and building my own self-esteem, I’ve found that I have this strong home within myself.
Whether it’s an addiction, an unhealthy habit, or something else entirely, many people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships with themselves and others. If you’re one of those people,
Source: Spiritual Media Blog – www.spiritualmediablog.com
