I finally feel like myself again. As some of you may know, we lost both of our parents within the space of 4 1/2 days earlier this year. They had both had varying degrees of health issues over the last few years, but none of us expected a loss like this. It was a truly devastating, “what the heck” moment. Although I understand now why it happened (and it made perfect sense to my family), I think I will continue to say “what the heck” in my head when I think about or talk about my parents. I miss them so much, but I’m at peace now and am trying to adjust to a new normal.
Normal. What does that mean?
No one really talks about what happens after the funeral. The first few weeks are hectic with phone calls, funeral planning and preparation (they had a great joint funeral, by the way). But once it’s all over, what do you do next? When your world is full of balancing work, doctor’s appointments and errands, what do you do when a big part of how you spend your time is gone? For someone like me who mostly works for myself, it’s really confusing what to do with your “extra” time because freelancing is not like a set 40-hour workday. You’re blessed with the flexibility to deal with all that, but when it’s no longer needed…what do you do next? And on top of figuring all this out, you also have to make time to grieve.
Because you will be sad.
You will always know what kind of person I am because I am someone who feels and expresses my emotions freely. I do whatever I need to vent, cry, laugh, but the grief hits me late. I have learned over the years that I am someone who goes into work/focus mode in times of tragedy. I am able to speak to doctors and authority figures and give them information in a way that lets them know what is going on without being overwhelmed. Yes, I am upset, but I don’t have time to cry in those moments. So while there was a sense of relief that the “job” was gone, it also left me mentally numb. All that time, I was completely burned out because I had never stopped working. I was lucky to work with friends and very close associates so I didn’t stop seeing clients and I continued to blog and create content to keep myself calm, but I realized that I was really struggling creatively and it took me a while to understand why.
Because, baby, in May, I finally hit a wall and broke. I felt like my brain broke. All I wanted was to take pictures when I needed to, go home and sleep, and watch TikToks for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to think or strategize for myself or anyone else. I just wanted to take pictures and go home. After a breakdown in the car after a meeting, I finally succumbed to sadness and depression because I knew I couldn’t move a role forward for one of my clients the way she needed to. Like I said, I felt like my brain broke. I cried, I called friends to make sure I wasn’t just having a Sagittarius moment (because we trip sometimes, lol), and then I had calls with clients who understood and were actually waiting for it to happen. They all said the same thing. I never stopped and they were waiting for me to break.
So I finally took a breath and stopped.
Over the next few months, I severely distanced myself from a lot of things, people, and projects, and carved out time to do nothing and just be. I didn’t do anything unless I absolutely had to. If it wasn’t a quick and fun outing or experience, I stayed home. I didn’t want to over-commit to anyone or anything (but I had to work, I had bills), so I only did what was necessary. I was extremely mentally exhausted and I knew I needed to do this to stay sane. If it felt like too much of a commitment, even if it was something I’d done before, I said no.
That vacation, my friends, was the best thing for me, even though it put me in a weird financial situation. I was able to work through my grief without feeling pressured to perform or go out for others, and I had a relaxing family vacation during which I gained so much mental clarity and reconnected. Someone reminded me a few weeks ago that I was romanticizing life before it even began, and I’m back to that. While I’ll never stop grieving my parents (it’s part of life and that’s OK. Accepting that early on will help you a lot), I feel like I can function normally again. I’m not tired or drained anymore. I’m excited to create again. There are still parts of me that need to be rebuilt, but overall, I feel like myself again. I still enjoy solitude, but I’ve started to enjoy going out and exploring, I enjoy creating content, and I feel like ideas are coming naturally to me again.
I finally feel like I’m more like myself.
I share all of this in the hope that it will touch someone who needs it, but also because I hope that you all have held space for me here and will continue to do so. I’m back doing what I love and I have so much more to share!
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Source: KP FUSION – kpfusion.com
