Have a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa

It was a humid Sunday in mid-July when thoughts of my ex-boyfriend suddenly crossed my mind. Of course, just as it didn’t help that it was his birthday, just as it didn’t help that I was sitting around outside the bar because the bouncer was late. It all became a perfect storm for agonizing introspection.

Thankfully (just kidding) Alexa stepped outside at that moment. Alexa was a bartender. I’m sure all of our staff members agree that just having her there has made the business brighter. Years of bartending had given her a keen sense of reading people, so it didn’t take long for her to ask me what I was thinking.

So, I tried to pour it all out. I explained that he was no ordinary ex-boyfriend because he was the first person I had ever really fallen in love with. I remembered how we spent each day enjoying each other’s company, and how it was always so easy-going and never like a performance. But there was a small, small problem that later turned into a big problem. That means he was closed off.

I think it’s probably an old story of queer self-denial in the name of religion. In this case, my ex grew up an evangelical, resulting in an existential crisis that tore both of our hearts apart. Probably the right question is why I was surprised. After all, my strange relationship with God had always been strained, for reasons too obvious to need to be elaborated here.

It’s obvious, but it seems like it’s going against the grain. Hasn’t anti-gay religious prejudice been around for thousands of years? But if the 2024 election is any indication, the answer is unfortunately no. Today, religion still serves as the backdrop for anti-LGTBQ laws, policies, and rhetoric. In fact, I often see fellow Millennials (some of whom I grew up with) professing their religious beliefs on social media. Many parents are so afraid of LGBTQ inclusion being taught in schools that they educate their children at home to protect them from it.

This damn religion made me sit there heartbroken and remember the love I lost. Alexa, on the other hand, listened intently the entire time, and when I finished she said she could relate. When I asked her what was wrong, she replied: “I used to be a worship leader.”

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that he could have knocked me over with a feather. How he went from there to proudly bartending at a gay bar was the story I needed to hear.

“I was at the lowest point in my life,” she began. “And I turned to God and Christianity to help me get out of that. I had to give up my lifestyle and the way I followed what I believed God had for me at the time.” This included turning away from my lesbian identity.

“I utilized a lot of rhetoric that I thought was good and pure at the time, but slowly I was hurting myself internally. This mainly had to do with my sexuality. I had long For a while, I believed that being a lesbian was a sin and that I couldn’t have a loving relationship with a woman and God at the same time, but as this made me even more depressed and confused. I prayed, fasted, and began digging deeper for my wishes to be fulfilled.”

Already I could see similarities with my ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t raised religiously, but it was still difficult for me to come out. When I tried, I couldn’t imagine the idea of ​​a mortal sin hanging over me.

“I was in a highly controlled group, which made me doubt myself,” Alexa continued. “They were controlling in subtle ways that ultimately terrified me. I think queer people learn not to trust their instincts when it comes to their natural emotions. Specifically, certain groups of Christians teach that being homosexual is unnatural and abominable to God, although the word “abhorrent” is also highly misused. We understand that to mean the worst thing you can do to God. Therefore, we learn to suppress our emotions, contrary to our nature, and fight them as attacks from the enemy (the devil). .

“This leads to a loss of autonomy and sense of self. You can no longer trust yourself to decide what is good, what is natural, what is right. That distrust , can easily lead others down the path of taking advantage of you and usurping their authority. In this way, we see religious leaders getting away with abuse, but only for queer people. Not true. This could happen to anyone.”

I was so angry at my ex when he chose the Bible over us. Seeing Alexa’s point of view, he realized how unnecessary it was, since he was already angry at himself. My thoughts also swirled around friends who grew up in strict religious families. Among all types of queer trauma, religious trauma is unique. The tactics used to manipulate young minds are harsh and even dangerous.

We should wonder how far any religion is willing to go to fight homosexuality from within. If sexual abuse were discovered in one of the popular Christian denominations, it would probably be even more serious than we thought. These queers are often so trapped in the system that they sacrifice their true selves in their efforts to remain straight. This puts them in very serious danger, and not all of them will be able to escape.

But Alexa did it for me, so I had to ask her how to do it.

“I studied more,” she answered. “When I looked into the scriptures that dealt with this issue, I found that they were translated within an agenda and cultural context that did not match what I was dealing with.The story of Sodom and Gomorrah, in the New Testament Mistranslations of homosexuality, etc. I began to see the Bible in a different light. I’ve come to see it not as an exact word, but as a human interpretation of the world and God. I don’t claim to be a Biblical scholar, but the more I study it, the more I understand it because of my relationship with God. Instead, I realized that I was putting unnecessary restrictions on myself for the sake of humanity.”

What I found most interesting was that Alexa found freedom not by hiding her orientation or suppressing her spirituality, but by leaning into both.

It’s easy to think that God and homosexuality are diametrically opposed, but that’s an oversimplification. I mean, just look around. There are churches across Washington, D.C., that are embracing pro-LGBTQ messages. Instead of scaring homosexuals closer to or farther away from religion, perhaps we should make room for both.

Alexa explained it well. “Sometimes I wonder if I like the God of the Bible. There are many things that God proclaims, demands, and stands for that I morally disagree with. Learn from Jesus. There are many things, but some of them are true: Jesus who fought for the outcasts and helped them; Who showed that piety and character are not necessarily synonymous. Did you recognize it?”

I now look at religiously closeted homosexuals differently. I can no longer consider them despicable because they are experiencing the worst torture for all of us. It is an evil manipulation that creates deep inner conflict. Not only does my ex not deserve my anger, he also deserves my sympathy.

I asked Alexa what advice she had for queer people going through what she went through.

“Relieve the pressure,” she replied. “Easier said than done, especially when your entire being is tied up in it. But who you are, what you believe, and what you live for and what you die for. In my experience, especially when religious pressure Being closed off is a silent killer. The stress your body experiences can destroy you from the inside out and ultimately lead to dangerous and deadly decisions not only for you but for those around you. It can also hurt other people.”

She didn’t need to share any details because the last time I checked in on my ex I could tell he was in a difficult situation. It hurts so much, but at least I know a happy ending is still possible for him.

A few months after our conversation, Alexa married the love of her life. In fact, she and her wife had their reception at the bar, so I had the privilege of seeing how happy she was. Learning about her journey made it even more enjoyable.

And just last week, Alexa gave birth to a son. He’s a lucky kid because he has two wonderful parents who love him very much.

Alexa’s story is important. It details the lengths to which religious groups will go to suppress homosexuality. It reveals the infighting that religious homosexuals continue to experience. But most importantly, it is the story of a young queer woman who finds her queer strength through a personal relationship with God. This is a story I want to keep close to my heart, especially at this time of year. This is a story that gives me the ray of hope that I need now more than ever.

In other words, her story gives me faith.

jake stewart I’m a DC-based writer and barback.