Bette Davis, the sarcastic movie star and mother of three, said, “If your kids have never hated you, you’ve never been a parent.” oh yeah. Thousands of parents, including my wife and I, used “ToughLove” to manage rebellious teens in the 1980s. We found it demanding but informative. However, its harsh methods have since drawn criticism and been replaced by more compassionate, trauma-informed parenting approaches. The concepts of right and wrong have softened to the concepts of “appropriate” and “inappropriate,” and many people think guilt is a bad idea. Morality requires trigger warnings. “Wellness” programs are more friendly. Empowerment circles are a shortcut to bliss.
Social psychologists have linked preoccupations with health and self-esteem to “safetyism” and “indulgence,” which protect people from discomfort but inhibit growth and distort thinking. This infantilization fuels culture wars, with liberals “cancelling” progressive transgressions while conservatives censoring threats to tradition. Both sides resort to opposing coercion in the pursuit of truth.
Amy Chua, one of J.D. Vance’s mentors at Yale Law School, popularized “tiger parenting” in her memoir. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The term is based on the stereotype of Asian excellence as opposed to Western decadence. Chua’s approach shows how parenting style correlates with, if not directly shapes, political views.
Tiger parenting is typically associated with Chinese cultural practices that emphasize rigorous academic excellence and achievement through strict control, criticism, and perfectionism, and treat mental well-being as a frivolous luxury. . Tough love, on the other hand, fosters independence and emotional maturity through clear behavioral expectations and logical consequences, guiding children toward healthy adult autonomy.
Typical “permissive/protective” parenting seeks comfort and conventional success. The combination of daily contentment and anxiety about life outcomes often creates a risk-averse, semi-dependent “permanent adolescence” in which adult responsibilities are postponed indefinitely.
Tiger parenting, tough love, and forgiving, protective love embody broader social and political dynamics and reflect our own internal contradictions. According to research by political psychologist Karen Stenner, about a third of voters are naturally attracted to authoritarian leadership, and genetic or hereditary factors account for 60% of ideological differences. There is. Correlation is not causation, but much of politics is shaped by biological or biographical forces. Sometimes “familiarity” plays too much of a role in who we choose, and who we don’t, to appreciate.
The competing forces within us require attention. Solutions start personally, in the mirror, at home, in our communities, and at work. Look for outliers in yourself and others, and question how stranger you are to yourself. True diversity starts from within. Pluralism can be shallow or controversial without understanding our own pluralism. Xenophobia is not solely caused by bigotry, but often stems from discomfort with our contradictions, repressed desires, or hidden identities. Authoritarian tendencies occur not only externally, but also within our own internal conflicts, families, and neighborhoods. We can be the tyrants we lament.
Recent research has turned the obvious into a discovery. Making real-world connections makes us feel good. We have allowed ourselves to be divided by forces beyond our control. However, we can reconnect and get back to the real world in relatively simple ways. As a secular commentator puts it, “While some people find connection through book clubs and exercise classes, others, like me, discover unexpected social connections elsewhere.” never I would have expected it to be during a Sunday night dinner hosted by my local church. ”
Without the social capital of personal and civic life, political capital languishes and democracy becomes a hindrance. I never looked in the mirror again, I never lingered in the social hours after the service, I never reached out to colleagues whose political views I deplore that could contribute to justice and peace, and I never thought about it. It was. But these everyday things are political, a quiet expression of “tough love.”
“Tiger parenting” is controversial, but it reflects a broader national tendency to accept strict authority, whether in the form of a nanny state, corporate rule, or outright dictatorship. Conversely, continuing with business as usual and turning off the news (my favorite tactic) is disempowering and feeds an authoritarian desire for passive compliance. Tough love may be demanding and counterintuitive, but it restores morale and dignity, and it restores not only ourselves but our friends, perhaps our families, and perhaps our country.
It has never been more important to push towards something real.
notes and reading
Trigger warning: My writing suggests that the world would be a better place if we all built deeper relationships. Of course, that will never happen. Thankfully. Two scholars offer helpful warnings: political theorists. Teresa Beejan (Oxford), Mere Politeness: Dissent and the Limits of Tolerance (2017): “You don’t need to be nice to your political opponents, but you do need to talk to them.” Economic sociologists, on the other hand, Mark S. Granovetter (Stanford), in his seminal essay strength of weak ties (American Journal of SociologyMay 1973): Loose connections are just as important as close friendships. After all, without them, how would you be able to ride a bus, fly on a plane, or even sit in church?
[*] Colin Firth (Academy Award) King’s Speech) He has co-authored papers on political neuroscience, reflecting his interest in bridging activism and intellectual inquiry. The quotation here is taken from Trends: Liberals, Conservatives, and the Biology of Political Differences Written by John R. Hibbing et al. (2019), 147.
Bette Davis – Her eldest son Barbara (BD Hyman) had a highly publicized and strained relationship with his mother, culminating in a controversial memoir. my mother’s keeper (1987). The book depicts Davis as abusive and manipulative, which deeply hurt Davis and led to their estrangement.
tough love There is no central office in the United States, but there may be local branches. Families Anonymous (FA)is a 12-step fellowship that supports relatives and friends of people facing substance abuse and behavioral problems, even when addiction is not their primary concern.
Amy Chua“Tiger Mom” caused controversy over student dinner parties and “inappropriate interactions,” but the issue was resolved after an investigation by Yale University. She apologized and addressed concerns about her behavior. washington post (July 31, 2024), vanity fair (November 1, 2024). Vance has spoken in numerous interviews about Chua’s pivotal role in his career and personal life.
> jordan peterson – Same idea as famous psychologist Chua “It draws a crowd, as if Nanny mixed in with Nietzsche and started barking, “Stand up straight!” My shoulder is back! Think about the existential vacuum of our time! ” His (mostly male) fans flock to theaters around the world. – economist, November 19, 2024 Peterson expressed high praise for J.D. Vance, calling him “an embodiment of the American dream who rose from his Appalachian working-class roots to success at Yale and in politics.” – Psychological analysis of Trump’s personality, Jordan Peterson, YouTube, October 24, 2024.
authoritarian dynamics – Karen Stenner (2005). A former Duke University and Princeton University academic, he currently heads the Australian consulting firm Insight-Analytics. Stenner distinguishes between authoritarianism (resistance to diversity) and conservatism (resistance to change), and pluralism (ideology) and pluralism (facts). Mr. Stenner is best known for long ago predicting the rise of someone like Mr. Trump under the circumstances we now find ourselves in.
The spoiled American heart: How good intentions and bad ideas lead a generation to failure. – Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff (2018). Mr. Haidt is Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University’s Stern School of Business. Lukyanoff is a lawyer and president of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (FIRE).
“Robert Putnam’s Essay: ‘Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community'” – John Hawthorne john’s newsletter (Substack – November 18, 2024). Hawthorne is a sociologist and author of the following books: Fearless Christian University (February 2025).
“How Trump Sent Me to Church“- ink and former CBS News senior political correspondent Brian Montopoli. Emmy Award-winning storyteller. (Substack – November 20, 2024). “It helps to get together with your neighbors and do something real.”
“Democracy is marriage. Do we need divorce? Or do we need therapy?” – ink and Anand Giridharadas (Substack – November 20, 2024). Should the stupidity of others silence us, or can humility bridge invisible perspectives, even in the midst of a “fascist nightmare”? Giridharadas is an American journalist and political commentator.
> The political beginning of human existence: the second birth – Thilo Chabert (2024). Humans are inherently political, both personally and biologically. Politics is “God’s hand” and “God’s imitation,” and people who pursue politics reach their own lives through it (58). Schabert (University of Erlangen, Germany) is a theologically trained political philosopher, former Director-General of the UNESCO International Council for Philosophy and the Humanities, and active in the Eric Voegelin Society.
Tip #158 – The Blues Secret
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Source: 2 + 2 = 5 – williamgreen.substack.com
