When my teens start crying and slam the bedroom door, I don’t comfort them…
It feels a little harsh when I write it out, but my reasoning is as follows. They are learning to control their emotions, an important life skill. Of course, when they were younger I coaxed them, but now that they’re teenagers, they’re building their own muscles and getting stronger every time. I’m proud of them and I believe in them.
After all, they understand that I’m here to read a book or brush my teeth on the couch if I want. They know they can come to me anytime and that I won’t be shocked or embarrassed by anything they tell me (“I’ve heard that before”). all(I tell them regularly), I believe that no matter what they say or do, I will never stop loving them. I believe that if they need advice or a hug, or if they want someone to sit next to them and rub their backs in this difficult moment, they will come find me.
However, from the point of view, feeling What is that big feeling? I never want to take them away or prevent my kids from experiencing them. There’s nothing wrong with being upset, sad, or disappointed. In fact, that’s a very good thing. It’s part of life! We strive for wholeness! Children must learn how to tolerate tough emotions. run through the stormgive yourself a pep talk and realize that the big emotions will pass, life will go on and they will be okay.
The more times you go through this sequence, the more you learn that you can handle almost anything. They will be able to soothe themselves without having to constantly seek reassurance, rely heavily on someone else, or drink too much or punch a wall afterwards. They can stand firmly on their own two feet and overcome anything that comes their way. how wonderful it is? Some people go their whole lives without learning how to control their emotions. I might even argue that it’s a huge superpower and the secret to lasting happiness.
(Just as a reminder, while I love talking to my kids about worries, conflicts, problems, relationships, and life in general when they’re calm and collected, I want them to learn how to deal with big emotional waves on their own first.)
i couldn’t agree more this more:
Tips for controlling your emotions (for all ages):
* Take a break alone
*deep breath
* Drink water, splash water on your face, take a shower (just add water:)
* go for a walk
*Pay attention to your emotions and name them
* Remind yourself that painful feelings will pass. Usually initially it will be maxed out
* Try to reframe your thoughts or imagine someone else’s perspective
* Think of the big picture (like the Grand Canyon trick!) — Your life is big, and this is just one moment in it
* Challenge your thinking. Ask yourself what the evidence is. (For example, if you think “I don’t have any friends,” is that really true? What is the evidence for that? Is there evidence for the other side?)
* If you make a mistake and are beating yourself up, say the phrase “I’m learning” to yourself. (This is very helpful when you’re frustrated with yourself.) It’s okay to do something wrong. Then learn and grow.
What are your thoughts? What else would you add to that list? I’d love to hear how you handle and think about these moments. If my kids are upset and I feel the urge to go and solve all their problems (which is impossible anyway!), I actually say to myself: “This is an emotion they can handle, they’re doing a great job of building these muscles, they’re learning essential life skills, they know you’ll be here when they need it, they’ll be okay, go, sweet, go!!!” (And what did I just realize while writing this last paragraph? While my children are learning to control their emotions, I am controlling myself emotionally!)
PS Learn more about conversations with your kids, including treasure hunt parenting hacks and 3 words that changed the way I parent. Plus, 21 completely subjective rules for raising teenage girls and teenage boys.
(Photo by Danil Nevsky/Stocksy)
Source: Cup of Jo – cupofjo.com
