Joe and I have been thinking about how we share truly deep friendships at our core. praise, joy, shorthand jokes, shevan. But, like marriage and friendships, it changes over time. Our children, those who love us more than we can encapsulate the words, in a way, become wedges. That’s… we’re the co-leading of this high stakes group project and neither of us really want to ruin it. (Speaks of as someone who combined 14 years of treatment under her belt.)
Pressure and structure are not ideal conditions for friendship. In this kind of scenario, the lightness, the sense of seeing and being seen can quietly be reduced. We are in a different stage and are built on resilience, communication and clarity. But it leaves an opening for intimacy that can feel like a loss.
We don’t talk about adult friendships as we talk about romantic relationships, but we should.
Because adult friendship is just as formative and necessary. In many ways, they provide freedom that our romantic or work partnerships cannot. Our friends are usually not directly influenced by our decisions, so they can tell us the truth. And if we are lucky they are happy with who we are, not what we do.
What the best adult friendship gives us
Recently, I have been reaching outside of marriage for friendships that fill the gap. I encouraged Joe to do the same. It’s not a dramatic way. We feed what we think is starving: joy. Voluntary conversation. Shared curiosity. Love like saying, I care about you without strings.
That last part is important.
It means “no string attached.”
- I don’t like you because you make me feel good.
- I don’t expect you to act in any particular way to stay on my trajectory.
- I can feel big because you don’t need to be smaller.
- I will not withhold affection to punish or control.
- I don’t use our connection to let you know anything about myself.
Please be honest. Many of us are caught up in our own unresolved shit, so we are not even the friends we want.
Friendship, true friendship is a mirror. But it’s not the shiny kind you’re hanging on the wall. It reflects you in yourself with love and embraces your contradictions without flinching. It reminds you who you are when you forget.
You don’t need to do much to keep your friendship alive. You have to please others. That’s the key. That’s what we all want. Someone who says, “I’ll see you and it brings joy to me.”
And we cannot want it – we have to offer it. You don’t even need a massive act of commitment or a gorgeous “catch-up” lunch. You need to show up in life rather than sitting around.
You don’t need to do much to keep your friendship alive. You have to please others. That’s the key. That’s what we all want. Someone who says, “I’ll see you and it brings joy to me.”
Three ways to maintain adult friendship
Cultivating friendships in adulthood doesn’t come naturally to me. That’s something I had to learn slowly and sometimes awkwardly. Because it was something I longed for. For much of my life, I didn’t feel like I had it. It’s not the way I want: mutual, safe, joyful. I always felt the need to sing and dance on the path to connection and safety.
So now I’m trying to be intentional. I ruin it and don’t show up from time to time. But I keep trying. I continue to try to become the friend I want in life. These are some ways I keep my connections alive with friends:
- When you think about someone, I send a simple message. Sometimes it simply says, “You jumped into my head. I love ____ about you.” It doesn’t have to be poetic, but perfect. People remember how you made you feel, not just how well you wrote the text.
- I put people in. Even when it’s messy, I share where I really are. Having someone show up for me without judgment and without correction was one of the hardest and most soothing things. I was disappointed, but I lifted it up. I think it’s worth knowing who can be there for you and who will be the best in the area.
- I’m interested. I really want to know people. What illuminates them. What’s difficult? I don’t need to give advice all the time. I’ve learned that listening alone can be more powerful than saying the right thing. I’m always committed to listening. I think we can all strengthen friendships like this.
Not all friendships last forever (and that’s fine)
sometimes? Friendship changes and people drift away. Misunderstandings occur. Sometimes things are broken to the point of being repaired. I saw it as a failure. Now I consider it part of being human. If it feels right, I’ll try and fix it – try, scratch it, leave it open. And when not? I let go with love and wish them the best.
Not all friendships last forever, but each one teaches you something about who you are and how you love.
No large groups, fully coordinated schedules, or elaborate planning is required. You just have someone in your body that makes you feel better. It’s safe in your nervous system. You can see who you are and accept it.
14 ways to connect with friends in adulthood
Maintaining adult friendship is not a one-size-fits-all approach. So I wanted to share an easy way for others to keep their friendship alive.
I raised this question to an Instagram audience earlier this spring: How do you show and appreciate the person you like? These were the most repeated responses:
- Spend time with them.
- Offer favors before they need to ask.
- Share the compliments and what I respect about them.
- When introducing them to others, emphasize what I like about them.
- Give him a 5-second hug.
- Send the care package.
- Send a card or quick memo to the email.
- Buy a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store, or choose a simple bouquet from the garden and drop it off there.
- Stop by at random for snacks or your favorite coffee order.
- Tell them what’s unique about them that make up who they are.
- Make them into home cooked meals.
- Tell them that every time I leave their place I love them.
- Create a playlist for them or share songs that I know they love.
- Text me a quick link to topics that interest me, or to clothes that I think they like.
I’m curious to see what you think about making friends as an adult. Send your questions or thoughts to hello@witanddelight.com. You can continue the conversation.
Kate is the founder of Wit & Delight. She is currently learning how to play tennis and will forever be Test her creative muscle boundaries. Follow her on Instagram @witanddelight_.
Source: – witanddelight.com
