I always call my best friend after a date…
Once, following the dinner date, the man texted that he was not interested in seeing me again, even if we had a lot in common.
“Why do you think he said that?” asked my friend.
“I’m not sure, but I have an idea because he made a ‘Oh, what, ew’ face when I walked in. ”
“Did he know you have cerebral palsy?”
“Yes, but that was his first time seeing it.”
“You know, a lot of my friends talk about bad dates,” she said. “Dating is difficult for everyone, but dating may be the most difficult for you.”
Now I don’t think I’ve won the “#1 Dating Survivor” award, but it’s not easy to seek romance as someone with a visible disability. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve become sturdy enough to endure alone in the wilderness (I haven’t, I’ll last for 45 minutes). But social norms swirl around me, and the phantom whispers something like, “Is her body hot?” Or, “What can I do for fun other than sitting?” or “Do I always have to take care of her?” So the first date can just appear and feel like an inadvertent challenge to the man’s perception and value. Everyone needs to make themselves vulnerable during a date, but for me, vulnerability starts with Hello.
I wanted to know how my peers felt, so I went on a date: I started a group chat. Below is the author and disability rights activist Emily Radow,writer Rebekah Taussigand the Blind Latina Public Speaker and Founder Katarina Rivera Share how they dated their disability and the way they had before they found a long-term partner.
Kelly: What do you remember about being a disabled child and being in love?
Emily: I quickly learned that it’s not “cool” for people to return crashes for people with disabilities. I was always told that the scary line, “We can become friends.” To be fair, I don’t think it can clearly express the meaning of childhood, nor do I think the boys I liked. I was never bullied, but crushing me felt like the bridge was too far away.
Rebekah: I never expressed any romantic interest to anyone as a child. One reason is disability. It was vulnerable for someone to show interest in someone else and I was expecting that I might not want because of my wheelchair. But my romantic history is unusual in that I was hooked on the boys of my church quite early on, and he became my first boyfriend and then my first husband.
Katarina: I hadn’t been diagnosed with blindness until I was 17, so when I was a child I only had hearing aids. I don’t remember being bullied because of my disability, but I remember being upset when the boy said he had hairy arms. For me, it was like I was a Latina and didn’t match the girls I saw in magazines and movies.
Rebekah: I’ve seen it Sandlot? I remember thinking about “pool lifeguards.” It’s not me, the type of girl worth shattering.
Kelley: As I got older, I realized how different I was – I was almost always the only visually impaired person in any room – and as a young adult, I never acknowledged my cerebral palsy unless I could frame it as a positive. What was that like for you?
Emily: I didn’t want to get any special attention to myself, so I decided that I couldn’t even date someone with a disabled person. But the funny thing is that my first serious boyfriend was also a wheelchair user. I realized that if people don’t want to have the negative connotations of my disability, I can’t be a hypocrite. You may also have to say something about being with someone who has direct insight into your life experiences. He faced the same stigma and realized that there was nothing wrong with me. But that lesson takes so long to sink.
Katarina: I struggled when I was diagnosed with blindness at age 17 because I had to learn about a whole new disorder. I was so worried about blending in as a young adult that it felt very heavy and almost like a secret. I didn’t want to use a cane. I went to a party in New York City and of course it was loud or dark, I’m confused. I went out with my friends and when someone asked me to dance, it was easy to keep dancing, so I could find a friend and postpone it.
Kelly: I know how you feel! I once sat at a bar and met a guy and we hit it. But I was scared to stand up and see his reaction. I felt like I had fooled him. So I pretended that it was the most comfortable seat I’d ever known, and I probably couldn’t leave it – as the bar finally closed, even when he did.
Catarina: Being disabled feels unattractive and not everyone accepts it. There was this arbitrary deadline where I had to find someone before I started using my cane. In my 20s mind, I thought I had been given a damaged item to use my cane.
Rebekah: I continued to think, “No one would choose me, but if this boy chose me, I would have a shot in being in a relationship.” I literally want this in the stars outside my childhood bedroom. By the time we got married, it felt like my only chance was to go through it. I was 23 years old after we divorced. But I began to realize that a little more life experience might be interested in me than I have noticed.
Kelly: What was it like setting up a dating app profile? Are you wary of your disability or were you open?
Rebekah: I made a profile when it was Very cool Write a paragraph about yourself. I spent so much time answering all the prompts. As someone with a disability, you try to reassure people preemptively – seeping into us to make others comfortable! I also made sure I was showing myself in my chair. But then I went to these dates and realized that they hadn’t seen all the photos or read what I had written. I remember one man who spoke very carefully and clearly didn’t want to say anything wrong. And how are you supposed to have a fun date if you feel like you’re on the record?
Emily: Going to a room with abundance of clear disability is one thing, and getting online where I don’t have one thing is another. When I first went to a dating app a few years ago, I hid my obstacles. I spoke for a while and then dropped the bomb. It was a disaster and I eventually learned to put it all there. After fewer matches and actually looking at my profile, people didn’t ignore me. It was a process. However, I had to learn that if I wasn’t comfortable with being myself, I wouldn’t be able to find a suitable partner for me.
KELLEY: When I meet new people and they’re not disabled, my disability may seem like a subtle subject. It’s easy to forget that everyone has a delicate theme, and that it takes time to even do things. What was the difference when you met your current partner?
Catarina: I met my partner at the party, and there were months between us meeting and seeing each other again. We wrote back and forth between. It was a different experience as we already had a level of trust when we talked about it. I remember that he didn’t respond very much. He wanted to know more, but he was not threatened.
Emily: To be honest, I don’t remember the conversation I talked about. We met at the hinge so I’m sure it happened, but I don’t remember those conversations – I think it’s a good thing.
Rebekah: I was very pleased with my partner Mika’s message. He is a beautiful writer. We wrote back and forth for a while, and he was the one who raised my disability based on what I wrote to him. So he read my words carefully and knew he was asking questions about who I was. It’s not a question like, “Can I have sex?” Or “What happened to you?” I used to hear this a lot. I remember he felt like he saw me as a person.
Kelly: Just as the obstacles are folded.
Rebekah: That’s exactly it. Like this disparity, it was never about him not being disabled and I was disabled. Accepting our bodies from the start has changed over the years, which has made it easier for us. We have built muscles that adapt to our relationships.
Emily: The problem is, everyone needs support. A good relationship means finding the balance no matter what.
Dates are difficult. If you can approach the obstacle lightly, the Sparks will be able to fly more freely. Just like asking where someone grew up and why they don’t put olives on pizza. Disability is another layer to learn before weaving into all the little things that make you who you are. Anyway, it’s everything everyone wants in the relationship. It’s your chance to be loved for their complete complex self.
Kelly Dawson I am a writer, editor and marketing consultant based in Los Angeles. She is written for Joe’s Cup about navigating NYC with disabilities and why having a disability is interesting. Shoot a shot with her Instagramif you want (she’s single!).
14 great reader comments on PS Joanna’s #1 dating rules and dating.
(According to illustrations) Losses of the Monastery. )
Source: Cup of Jo – cupofjo.com
