The moment I stopped lying to men was when I stopped lying. It’s not “sing a lie” in a dramatic way. I wasn’t spinning the story or pretending to be someone I wasn’t. But me It was edit. Smooth the edges. Avoid difficult truths like: I want to get married. I want a child. I want a relationship that feels more like a partnership than a performance. After all, the clarity I was afraid of was the very foundation of a deliberate date. And it was a shift I didn’t know what I needed.
For a long time I thought that such honesty would scare someone. It was too early. So I leaned down Chill. I went on a date with one foot through the door. I make things happen “naturally.” That often meant watching someone else drive the dynamic while I nodded pretending it wasn’t the problem.
But here’s what I learned: Deliberate Dating – The kind that requires clarity, integrity, and self-esteem is not something that scares everyone. It’s about making sure the right person stays.
Over the past few months, I have started dating like the woman I want to be involved with. Here are what it looked like, questions that help guide me, and how it changed the way I dated (both the man and myself).
Special image by Kristen Kilpatrick.
Changes in thinking that changed everything
Honestly, not that much. It is the most respectful thing you can offer.
For years, I tried to agree more than anything. When I was disappointed, I didn’t talk. I am sure that laughing at hurt feelings, brushing them over the red flag, or saying something will make me look bothersome or dramatic. Having a quiet time made me think it would be easier to be around. But I cared. And finally, it began to eat up my sense of self, between what I felt and what I expressed. It wasn’t just the guys I was dating. It was about how I was trained to believe that if I had any needs, preferences or expectations, it made me adorable.
What I’ve learned is that honesty is not a responsibility, it’s a filter. I was immediately relieved when I stopped distorting myself to fit other people’s simple ideas. Saying what I wanted didn’t make the date more complicated. It’s made it easier. I was too busy paying attention to my feelings and didn’t wonder what anyone else was thinking. There is a quiet power to be direct in letting someone know who you are and what you are looking for. Not because there is a need for guarantees, but because clarity is kindness for both people involved.
A deliberate date means knowing what you want
You don’t need to plan for 10 years, but you need to be honest about the direction you’re heading.
For a long time I thought I would name what I wanted and lock me up. If I said I wanted to get married, does that mean I had to pursue it urgently? If I admit I want a child, would someone take it as a timeline instead of the truth? But at the end of the day, clarity is not constricting and liberating. A deliberate date does not mean mapping your future to a wedding hashtag. It means being honest with yourself about the general direction you are heading. Once I stopped judging myself that I wanted something serious, I actually managed to relax in the process. Without performance, without constantly having to prove that I’m casual and cool when I’m not, I was able to show up.
If you’re not sure what an intentional date will look like, it may be worth sitting down with a few questions. Do I want to build a life with someone or do I want someone to like me? Am I leading my needs or am I constantly scanning for them? There is no wrong answer, but only honest answers. The key is not to draw conclusions overnight, but to practice tuning, so you can stop dating relatablely and start dating with intention.
Script that helped me to speak (no oversharing)
How did you learn to express what you want instead of waiting for a choice?
There is a subtle panic that can creep up on your first date, especially when things feel promised. You want to say the right thing. You want to be open, not fierce, not honest, but not overwhelming. For a while, I misunderstood the vulnerability as oversharing. I thought if someone was too fast they would leave. But what I’ve noticed is clearly that communicating doesn’t mean spilling everything. It means pinning your own values and sharing them with intent.
Recently, I think that drawing someone will draw boundaries. This is where I am. Can you meet me here?
I found that some well-positioned phrases can change everything. They are heavy and don’t need to be rehearsed. It must be true. I said something like this: “I’m dating with intention now. How about you?” or “I’m not in a hurry, but I’m not dating for that either.” One of my favorites is: “I’ve learned to be honest in advance. It saves everyone time.” These lines are not fully delivered scripts. They are invitations: real conversation, clear, connected. Dating reduced confusion and made it more enjoyable when I stopped trying to be chosen and started choosing how I wanted to show up.
I stopped mistaking chemistry for compatibility
Just because you feel good doesn’t mean that it’s correct.
In most of my 20s, I evoke shots in chemistry. If we were kidding, if we spoke to us all night, if there was that electrical and inexplicable pull, I thought it had to average something. And sometimes it did. But more often, it meant I was wiped out at high prices and ignored everything else. I mistook the excitement as alignment and appeal to intention. I stayed too long in a situation where it looked like love, but lacked the foundation to nurture it.
One of the gifts of intentional dating is to learn to feel the difference. Compatibility is safe, stable and mutually felt. It builds slowly and does not depend on the number of butterflies you get in the first hour. Lately, I’ve been paying more attention to the green flag. Does this person ask a follow-up question? Do they appear emotionally available or simply emotionally clear? Are they interested in my life beyond how I make them feel? The more you root yourself in what you want in your partner, the easier it is to move away from inconsistent chemistry.
The most important relationship is still the relationship with yourself
The fundamental integrity with men begins with me and fundamental integrity.
The intentional date brought me closer to others, but more importantly, it brought me closer to myself. The more I practiced showing clarity and self-esteem, the more I realized when something was not feeling well, even though it looked better on paper.
I’m not very interested in whether someone chose me or not, and I’m more interested in how I feel in their presence. Do you want to shrink or soften it? Do I feel like I am or less? Such self-awareness does not come from a momentary realization. It comes from paying attention again and again.
At the end of the day, dating isn’t just about finding someone else. It’s about choosing to stay fixed on who you are. Every time I said what I meant, I risked being misunderstood in the name of being genuine, leaving when I hadn’t seen them, or being misunderstood in the name of being authentic. That’s the relationship I am most committed to protecting. And, the funny thing is, when you deal with your own mind with such care, it becomes much easier to recognize when someone else is ready to do the same thing.
Final Note: A deliberate date taught me
The more I respect what I really want, the less I felt the need to play. Deliberate dating hasn’t made me stricter. It made me softer, more curious, more open to the kind of love that didn’t require persuasiveness or distortion. It taught me that clarity is not the enemy of romance. It is the soil that the actual connections grow.
The truth is that being honest does not scare the righteous person. And even if that’s the case? It’s valuable information you have. The goal is not to be chosen, so choose yourself first and then see who will meet you.
Source: Camille Styles – camillestyles.com
