My father passed away when I was 15 years old. A few months ago, I spoke to Natalie Greenberg, a grief therapist. She stayed with me.
I remember how crushed I was when certain friends weren’t checking in, and what I felt when others gave me a long, long hug. Now, with my own children, I want to teach them how to be there for a grieving friend. Of course, I am portraying my own experiences, but I was interested in helping (or not) others who lost their parents early in life. I spoke to three women and here’s what they told me…
Carmel BresnachHe lost his mother when he was 11 years old.
“A few months after my mother’s death, I went to my friend Susan’s house. We sat in front of the TV and had a sandwich with my sister Audrey. I knew my family well and for some reason, I was guilty if my father became devoted (and not adopted a healthy father (and healthy) father. I was amazed at her generosity.
“At the time, most of my friends were too young (8, 9, 10) didn’t talk to me about my mother’s death. In recent years, I apologised for not supporting me in that time, but I assured them they had it in their own childlike way.
Erika VeurinkHe lost his father at the age of 15.
“After my best friend heard that my dad had been diagnosed with cancer, she slid a chocolate bar into my locker. She skipped class with me to talk about fire escape. Her dad was one of the first people my dad said.
“When I got the call that my dad had passed, I was with my best friend. She and I tied a fleece blanket with my mother and we were watching the Gilmore girl in the living room. It felt good to have a project while I waited for the inevitable.
“That summer she and I were hanging out on her grass, walking to the CVS and seeing more Gilmore girls. We were 15 and we confirmed that her mom felt that way in the face of grief.
“In the meantime, I wanted my friends to act like everything was normal. and I was surprised with me in the waves. I sometimes found it amazing to get lost in a gossip session in the locker room. Otherwise, I wanted to scream after my friend died and hear my friend complain about their father. Mostly I always wanted to be around people. I spent a lot of time floating next to my friends in the pool, but didn’t say anything. And that felt comforting! ”
Jannelle Sanchez (me) lost his father at the age of 15.
“A few days before my father’s funeral, my mother asked if I wanted to invite a friend, and the first one was my best friend since the fifth grade.
“But after my mother spoke about her mother’s father’s death, my father was silent. There was no text. There was no phone. When my mother sat in my bed, I could see in her eyes that she was trying to share news that she didn’t want to hear.
“Now, as an adult, I understand why S was separated. It’s very difficult to deal with death, especially as a child. Yes, she felt lonely and hurt me.
“To be fair, I didn’t reach out to her either. I didn’t write her any texts asking if she was free to call, ‘I really need you right now’. To my deepest sadness, I didn’t know how to tell my friends what I needed from them. My hands are sitting next to me on the couch and say nothing.
“Thankfully, some friends reached out to me, but the most prominent friends were very unexpected. The week after my dad passed away and my mother shared the news with everyone, I was walking down the church spiral stairs and headed for the weekly youth group. Are you going to consider me the girl whose father has passed away? Are people going to act strange? However, upon reaching the top of the stairs, I heard a bright “Jannelle-Y!!!” Then I saw my friend Chloe running down the hall. She scooped me up in a big, warm embrace and handed me a piece of paper. Above it was a triangular dress with straw-like hair and two smiling sticks. They were holding their hands. All I wanted was a friend who held my hand.
Natalie GreenbergHe lost his mother at the age of 23.
“After my mother passed away, my friends really didn’t know how they were there for me. Or ‘I’m here if you need something.’ And when you feel your world has been turned upside down, they’re hard to respond.
“One of the gestures that meant a lot a few years after my mother’s death. My friend saved the anniversary of her mother’s death with her cell phone. That day she texted me a really sweet and asked me, “Would you like to go to ice cream tonight?” She reached out and my mother’s loss was an activity we can do together, and it felt much more personal than sending flowers, as we can chat and save the anniversary of our death.
“Now, as a mother, I want to teach my child how to empathize with friends when they are sad and checking in. It’s not just one-time conversation to talk about a parent’s death, not just a week, a few months, or a few years later, not just a one-off conversation. It can open up life as stigma builds up and becomes this dark and trembling thing. Everyone.”
Have you lost someone you loved when you were young? What did people say that people brought you comfort?
PS How do you tell your children about death and what do you think about death?
Source: Cup of Jo – cupofjo.com
