Should You Warn Someone About Their Partner’s Complaints?

Need to come out? I am a cis woman happily married to a cis man. We’ve been together since we were little, so we hardly ever dated. In my 30s, I realized that I was queer, but that I was happily married. I regret not dating a woman, but not enough to change my life. But I have a large queer community.

My mom knows I’m in a queer choir and I’m very involved. She knows that many of my friends are queer. But I never told her that I was. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if she guessed, but still. Should I come out to her? Will you regret not doing so? It’s very contradictory.

As an advice columnist, I usually hesitate to tell letter writers whether or not they’re coming out. It’s too personal a decision for some random guy with some context to make for you. But again, most letter writers in your position will cite at least one reason why coming out is bad: a homophobic family, a religious organization, a conservative workplace, etc.

I kept waiting for that part of your letter, but (luckily!) it never arrived. From the sound of the word, it means you have a loving partner, a positive group of friends, and a mother who is well accustomed to queerness, so she may already have some assumptions about you. Congratulations, unless you have special concerns not mentioned in the letter. You have been pre-approved by Stephen to come out of the closet.

1. They had time to process their identity on their own.

2. They have a safe place to land if the conversation goes south.

3. They have some kind of personal mission statement about why they want to share this part of themselves with others.

#1 and #2 seem to be fixed, but I seem to be having trouble with #3. So, I have a question for you. What does coming out to your mom mean to you?

Can you breathe a sigh of relief? Does it bring you closer? Would you feel more comfortable inviting her to your choir show? Would it open the door to other meaningful conversations about your life and worldview? Would trusting this information mean something to her?

You may answer “no” to all of these questions and decide not to tell her. That’s totally fine! But if you reach one or two yeses, just shut up and wait. you are never mandated But sometimes there’s still a good reason to come out.

Speaking of LGBT, this is a rainbow I drew.

A recurring theme in this column is how much we love arranging food by color. A qualified specialist may have something to say about this. I have no choice! Back to advice…

My sister always complains about her fiancé. She complains to me, my sister, and her friends in the group chat. When I say she’s complaining, I mean she’s picky about almost everything he does. She complains that he has to do everything at home, even though he is the landlord’s breadwinner. She states that she has always wanted to break up with him but cannot because they have multiple dogs (even though she is the one who convinced him to adopt most of their dogs).

Another reason why she cannot break up with him is that she cannot live without his financial support. The house belonged to him before they started dating, and the car they owned is also in his name. Before living with him, I would either couchsurf, live with my parents, or sleep in my car.

Should I tell him what she’s been saying behind his back?

Your sister seems troublesome. But if you start causing problems in your relationship with her, you’ll be in trouble too.

I’m also not sure what you’ll accomplish by blowing this up. She wants to end the relationship but cannot afford to live alone. Therefore, telling him will only accelerate your sister’s descent into crisis.

If you have the ability to be involved in this matter, I would like to focus on helping your sister resolve the relationship in a healthy way. Can you help her get a job, connect her with a public assistance program, or find a sliding scale therapist?

And even if you don’t have the capacity to be involved in this, that’s fair. Tell your sister that you don’t deserve to hear her complaints and remove yourself from the situation.

My best friend is mad at me for reasons I don’t know. She started ignoring me 2 weeks ago and won’t tell me what I did wrong. Should I wait, ask again, or stop trying to be her friend?

I vote for “re-question”. However, that’s a different question than what you were asking. Instead of “What did I do wrong?”, try asking more open-ended questions. “What’s going on?”

Because you may not be doing anything wrong! It’s a logical thing to wonder when you’re getting the silent treatment, but there are other possible explanations for her distancing. Maybe she’s going through a rough time and isn’t responding to anyone right now. Or maybe she did something wrong and is avoiding you out of guilt. Or maybe you’re pushing away from the friendship because of personal differences that don’t amount to cheating on either side. etc.

If any of these apply to you, ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?” This question will not directly lead to the answer you are looking for. Instead, tell her the exact name of what you see without filling in the blanks. “I haven’t responded to your messages in weeks. I’d like to know what’s going on.”

And an optional bonus: “If I’ve done something wrong, I want to make it right. Or if you’re facing some difficult situation, I want to be there for you.”

Of course, we cannot guarantee that this message will receive a response. But it at least opens the door to all possibilities, not just what’s in your head. We look forward to your reply.