There’s something undeniably strange about houseplants. They’re beautiful, whimsical, dramatic, and needy in just the right way. In short, they are just like us. But let’s not pretend that your plant choice was a coincidence. It’s directly tied to your zodiac sign, your coping mechanisms, and the free parts of you that think about purchasing. another Plants can help with your seasonal blues. Let’s brutally and lovingly analyze the plant, its signs, and what it says about you.
1. Pilea peperomioides (aka Instagram darling)
Zodiac sign match: Libra or Aquarius
I bought this because I saw it on Instagram and thought it looked like I had my life together. Libra: You love beauty and symmetry, like the plant equivalent of a carefully curated gallery wall. Aquarian: You’re here for the “promotion” part, because you’ve stopped handing out plant cuttings like business cards at queer networking mixers. We all know we’re just waiting for someone to say, “Oh my god, is this a Pilea?” You can start a TED talk about plant babies. Calm down, influencer.
2. Friendship Plant
Zodiac sign match: Gemini or Sagittarius
Vegetarian Gemini: Cute, flirtatious, and very interested in replicating themselves, there’s always more to come. Gemini: You’re a terrible person, but at least your cuttings are thriving in six friends’ apartments. Suggs: You love the low-maintenance atmosphere because you’re too busy booking last-minute flights to Tulum to water anything regularly. This plant is basically your personality. It’s fun, easy to share, and a little wonky. The same goes for your relationship history.
3. Succulents
Zodiac sign match: Capricorn or Virgo
congratulations. You have chosen a plant that corresponds to your ability to emotionally detach. Capricorn: You like succulents because they grow when you let them, just like they did when you were a child. Virgo: You appreciate its structure and efficiency, but the truth is, you’ll probably worry about caring for it too much, overwatering it, and letting it rot. Juicy Gay always thinks “I don’t need much, I don’t need much maintenance” and ends up having a mental breakdown because his ex-boyfriend doesn’t like his Spotify playlist.
4. Baby Rubber Plant
Zodiac sign match: Cancer
A small leaf, a huge emotional baggage. Dear Cancers, this plant is for you. A plant that is tender, cute, precious, and somehow suffocating, impossible to please. Give your pet a name by talking to it every day, and when a leaf falls, it becomes a spiral. Your friends won’t know if you’re taking care of plants or auditioning to be a parent, but honestly? This little green thing is the most stable relationship I’ve had in years.
5. Boston Fern
Zodiac Sign Match: Leo
Leo, you looked at this dramatic, leafy mess and said, “Yeah, that’s me.” Boston ferns are basically the drag queens of houseplants. It’s gorgeous and requires a lot of care, but if you don’t constantly worship it, it’s on the verge of decay. Place it somewhere visible so everyone can gasp at its beauty and cry when your cat shreds it. Just like you, this plant thrives on attention and dies silently.
6. Prayer Plant
Zodiac sign match: Pisces
Pisces, you didn’t choose this plant, this plant chose you. Folding leaves at night? When you first saw it, you thought it was “praying for you” and literally burst into tears. Please think seriously. Play some sad music, burn some incense around it, and write in your journal that we both need a break. Your friend is worried and your prayer plant understands.
7. Christmas Cactus
Zodiac sign match: Taurus
This is you, Taurus. Reliable, stubborn, and a little shady when it comes to flowering time. If you’ve been in this job for a long time, you’re bound to hold a grudge when someone tries to mess up your routine. I love that it blooms once a year. Because it proves that you refuse to grow or change for the rest of your life. This plant is a Taurus lifestyle. Nine months of the year you nap, three weeks of the year you do stunts, and repeat.
8. Areca Palm
Zodiac sign match: Sagittarius or Leo
It’s big, dramatic, and impossible to ignore. Sagittarius, we love how this plant gives your living room that tropical Airbnb feel. Leo, you saw that dramatic leaf and immediately declared it your child. In any case, this plant is a prop in the protagonist’s ongoing fantasy as he sips cocktails under the palm fronds of his one-room apartment and pretends that the radiator isn’t hissing devilishly.
9. Parlor Palm
Zodiac sign match: Capricorn or Virgo
A reliable accountant for plants. As a Capricorn, you treat this like a 401k. Long-term investment, stable profits, a little boring but admirable. Virgo, you love a low-maintenance routine, but deep down you’re upset that it doesn’t look fancier. This plant lives for decades, which is longer than most human relationships, and you will still find a way to worry about it.
10. Spider Plant
Zodiac sign match: Cancer or Gemini
Dear Cancer, I watched this plant give birth to a baby and thought, “Finally, someone will get me.” Gemini, you were excited about the messy breeding and handing out spiderlets to friends like messy little party favors. Spider Plant Gay is always wandering around like he has 15 spider plants infesting his apartment. You claim it’s a “vibe”, but really you’re just overcommitting. Also.
11. Ponytail palm
Zodiac sign match: Aquarius
Aquarians, of course, will choose the weird little plant that resembles Dr. Seuss. You claim it’s “underrated” and “misunderstood”, which is also how I would describe myself after three drinks at karaoke. I bought it on a whim at IKEA and now I treat it like an inside joke that only I understand. Ponytailed palm gays are the people who dye their hair teal at 2 a.m. and call it their individuality.
12. Cast iron factory
Zodiac sign match: Scorpio
This plant is literally immortal, which is fitting since Scorpio is the cockroach of the zodiac. It’s impossible to kill and a little scary. You love how you thrive in the dark, just like your ex loves you. Cast Iron Plant Homosexuals are constantly posting cryptic thirst traps with captions like “Some things never die.” No one knows what you’re talking about, but just like this plant, everyone is intrigued.
13. Air Plant
Zodiac sign match: Pisces or Sagittarius
That’s right, it’s a “not fussy” plant. Suggs, you bought this just because you thought it would be cool to “take on an adventure.” As a Pisces, you felt called when you saw yourself floating in a glass sphere at the farmers market. The gay man in Air Plants is constantly trying to move cities, start a band, or break up with someone because he “needs freedom.” This is not a plant, it’s a red flag.
14. Rubber plant (Ficus elastica)
Zodiac sign match: Aries
Oh, look, that’s the houseplant equivalent for your situation. Shiny, dramatic, and secretly toxic if you’re not careful. Aries, this plant is for you. Bold, demanding and always trying to dominate the room. You buy a plant thinking you’re ready for a “big, bold plant,” and three weeks later you’ll be Googling “Why is my rubber plant crying?” as if it’s your fault (and it is). The gay man in the rubber factory, like this moody diva, always seeks reassurance but never says he’s “low-maintenance.”
15. Pothos (also known as devil’s ivy)
Zodiac sign match: Scorpio or Gemini
The bisexual houseplant: messy, seductive, and ubiquitous. Pothos grows in literally any conditions, making it the strange roommate of your dreams and nightmares. Scorpio likes how it thrives in the dark (which it can empathize with), while Gemini likes to see its tendrils dramatically spill out onto everything, like the plant equivalent of oversharing. This is definitely the plant for anyone who has ever sent a “u up?” At 2am, we left the city without warning. It rises and spreads and takes over your apartment, just like your trauma takes over every conversation.
Source: Gayety – gayety.com
