I have something to confess. I’m a fan of Hollywood Undead. I like Limp Bizkit’s songs. I think Eminem and Mac Miller are some of the greatest rappers of all time. But even I’m not white enough to be Kid Rock.
Just to be clear, I don’t watch the Turning Point USA halftime show instead of Bad Bunnies. They couldn’t — if they had waited for Kid Rock to show up during the nearly 40-minute runtime, they would have missed the only touchdown of the Super Bowl, and neither team scored a single touchdown until the fourth quarter.
I wouldn’t call it a “show” either. This wasn’t a spectacle with choreography, dancers, or even a set (standing in front of an LED screen doesn’t count). It felt like a filmed concert, but I guess “Turning Point USA’s ‘All-American’ Super Bowl Halftime Concert with Cameras” didn’t resonate as much.
Related: Turning Point USA halftime lineup: All musicians on stage.
The first seconds of this concert tell you everything you need to know about its quality. The announcer is shown on camera from the chest up, silencing the audience for a few seconds as the guitarist turns on his amplifier. He played the national anthem and was eventually joined on stage by two others. The fireworks in the background also explode like weak ejaculation.
Brantley Gilbert performs first. I had never heard of him before, but he comment When his appearance on the TPUSA show was announced, he said, “It’s been over 20 years since a country artist was asked to perform at the Super Bowl halftime show.” Now, listening to his music, I understand why.
Next up is Gabby Barrett, and around this time I started noticing a trend. There are about 4 songs in it, and it goes upbeat, slow, upbeat, slow. The camera seems to be doing the same thing: close, wide, close, wide. Details like these show that the people behind this show don’t know how to make art, but rather that they’re practicing what they think a halftime show should be.
Barrett herself has no charisma or stage presence. Shots of her staring straight into the camera look like she’s forcing eye contact during a job interview. There’s nothing about her that says “star.” A fictional singer created to rival the real-life star in a Disney Channel original movie.
Lee Brice comes on and sings a song about being part of the “drinking class,” and the way he slurs his speech makes me believe him. He tried to build up some energy, but it quickly disappeared with the next song. In this song, he sings about wishing the world was simpler, starting with, “I just want to drive a truck and drink beer.” It feels more like a parody of a country song than a real country song. That’s really the case with everyone.
I laughed when I heard this line, but now I’m starting to find it more annoying than funny. Are you going to play the song “I wish the world wasn’t so divided” during the Super Bowl’s alternate halftime show?
After nearly 30 minutes, Kid Rock finally appears. It takes less than 30 seconds to realize he’s lip-syncing, but that’s not my opinion. You can very clearly hear the vocals being performed while he holds the microphone to his side and doesn’t move his lips. Personally, I have no problem with lip-syncing, but I think the drag queen haters would be a little more embarrassed about it. Kid Rock isn’t a drag queen, but he seems to know a few drag queen tricks, like turning away from the audience when he doesn’t understand a word.
The best part of Kid Rock’s performance is when he has a cellist and violinist play an interlude and then steps off stage for a few minutes for a costume change (work queen). I have nothing negative to say about them. they were lovely. Probably because they didn’t speak.
Related: Super Bowl: Bad Bunny performs queer-inclusive show with Lady Gaga & Ricky Martin
So let’s recap TPUSA’s halftime show. Conservatives were upset last year when Kendrick Lamar, a black man, was chosen to perform, and this year when Bad Bunny, a Puerto Rican man, was chosen to perform. The TPUSA show was designed as an “all-American” show to replace these two shows (never mind the fact that Puerto Rico is part of the United States). Later, the TPUSA show featured artists who used rap and heavy metal guitars.
I am planning to sign a contract with MAGA. We can do the halftime show next year, and we can do it in all white. But that means they are not allowed to use music created by people of color, including rock and roll, hip-hop, and country. In case you need further elaboration, that means it’s not Kid Rock.
Honestly, I don’t know what else you’re left with, but as we saw last night, you won’t be able to make your own art.
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