My boyfriend doesn’t know I hook up with lots of other guys

Hello Michael,

When I came out to DC for university, I was ideal about finding true love. I made gay friends at school and saw them get caught all the time.

That seemed to be the opposite of what I wanted. I dreamed of meeting “The Prince’s Charming” and living happily. I thought I would postpone sex until I met a special guy.

This lasted for a while until it became horny and impatient to keep postponing sex. My boyfriend wasn’t materialising so I went online and connected. In fact, it was a lot of fun.

Soon I was as stumped as my friends. I was still hoping to find my prince. But over time, most of my energy has shifted to finding someone to have sex.

I am 34 now. I’ve been with this for a long time, but the other day I realized I don’t like my life.

I haven’t actually dated for years, but I get it multiple times a week. I was with almost everyone I saw on an app I found attractive (emotions are mutual). And yes, I was with many people who didn’t find it attractive because I was horny.

I look at myself and think it’s Yuk. I don’t like who I am.

I feel like I’m obsessed with hookups. I just keep craving something. It’s a release, but most of it has attracted attention, but others feel passionate about me. After I came, I feel like everything is pointless and a bit tired of myself. advice?

Michael replies:

You are using hookups not only for sex, but also as a way to make yourself feel better about yourself by attracting positive attention from others.

But the other validation is like junk food, stop starving for a few minutes and never actually satisfy you. Everyone you connect with? Attention is a great feeling, but as you wrote, the feeling continues to your orgasm. And you’re back to chasing it.

Like junk food, the other validation you get when connecting is a lot of empty calories. If someone you don’t know agrees to have sex with you, it says nothing meaningful about your value or your charm.

Yet another issue: if you think you need other verifications, do all sorts of self-damage behavior to get it. I have seen many people lose their self-esteem in services that attract the positive attention of others through actions that violate their integrity. It is ironic and sad to do things that make yourself feel bad by trying to make yourself feel good.

The bottom line is that others can’t “make” things that make them feel better about themselves. They may give you a small temporary boost, but your self-esteem must actually come from you. That’s why it’s called self-esteem. Once you’ve past a certain age, if you don’t believe you’re worthy, no one else can take you there. You need to verify yourself.

Let’s grow bigger for a while. It is the job of our parents to teach us what we are valuable when we are little. When that doesn’t happen, we often struggle with self-esteem throughout our lives, unless we can find a way to develop our beliefs about our values. In the meantime, we may chase other validations with useless attempts to satisfy ourselves.

For example, other experiences of raising gay people in hostile environments can do a lot about how we see ourselves, and can also grasp us for affirmation from others. It takes work to overcome and overcome the effects of these experiences.

So how can you improve by giving yourself the verification you are looking for? There are some great proverbs from the 12-stage program. If you want to have self-esteem, act in a respectable way.

What does it mean to act in a way you respect? Your letter provides one answer that applies to you: Stop engaging in sexual encounters that leave you disliked yourself.

It’s much easier than you would say, isn’t it? But that doesn’t mean that it’s impossible. Now that you’ve gained the clarity that you don’t like the life you built for yourself, you can actually do something about it. However, keep in mind that if you stop connecting, you will face some challenges.

beginning: You may find it isolated and scary to stop doing what all your friends are doing. You have to reassure yourself that you are doing the right thing for you. You are taking care of yourself by choosing to avoid behavior that makes you feel sick. And it’s okay to be different from “everyone else.” In other words, you need to be much better on self-examination.

If you have friends who don’t spend a lot of time, they may be good support for you. Some find friendships in being involved in 12-step programs like Sexual Enforcement Anonymity (SCA).

Number 2: People often use hookups (and sex) not only for sexual satisfaction, but also to alleviate anxiety, stress, depression and other unpleasant emotions. Once you stop connecting, you will need other ways to calm yourself and stabilize your mood. Exercise and meditation are two obvious ways.

You would be wise to find new ways to fill your time that will give you a sense of meaning and connection. I don’t know what they are. Only you can understand that is right for you. They include developing and deepening warm friendships, caring for themselves and finding new activities that interest them.

If you still want to find your prince, this is how to proceed. Cliches are true: No one can expect to like you unless you like yourself. If you build a fulfilling, pursuit-rich life that will help you feel better about who you are and the life you lead, you will turn yourself into relationship material.

However, remember that bringing yourself closer to someone through emotional connection means that you have to confront all sorts of unpleasant emotions, including vulnerable emotions.

That said, working to be a more solid person will help you develop strength to tolerate the ongoing challenges of close relationships.

Michael Radkovskypsy.D. DC couples and individuals who work with licensed psychologists, he can find online Michael Radkowsky.com. All identification information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Do you have a question? Please send to [email protected].