Fifteen years ago, my son, Tyler, was an 18-year-old freshman and a talented violinist worthy of the same dignity and privacy as other students. Instead, he was targeted, humiliated and shamed online. In that hopeless and lonely moment, Tyler permanently decides on the temporary situation. On September 22, 2010, Tyler died of suicide.
Out of our grief, we started the Tyler Clementi Foundation to end online and offline bullying in schools, workplaces and faith communities. We wanted to honor Tyler’s life by protecting young people who deserve safety, dignity and joy. Bullying is not just a playground issue. Two young people interacting on the playground, and even people from the cyber world, can be systematic. Embedded in policies and norms within the institution that excuses or receives treatment for atrocities, harassment; LGBTQ+Youth like Tyler don’t deserve protection. When the institution appears to be reversed, bullying increases.
People ask what has changed since Tyler passed away. The answer is complicated. There have been real progress since Tyler’s passing. Many schools now have anti-bullying policies. More parents tell their children that I can hear all children: you are perfectly made and you are loved exactly as you are. In the workplace, more leaders understand that dignity is the norm and not a favor. In some faith communities, courageous clergy preach. What I believe at my heart, you can become a person of faith and affirm LGBTQ+ people. These changes saved lives.
Still, I’m more worried than it took me years. The climate is getting tough again. Bullying is on the rise and the progress we wanted is reversed. Too many students still avoid school because they feel they are not safe. Online atrocities move faster and more intense hits. Policy debate has become more punitive, especially for transgender youth. No books, no bathrooms, limiting participation in sports, and efforts to police identity all send the loudest messages from children: you don’t belong. Like the 988 Option 3 suicide crisis line for LGBTQ+ people, even the lifelines we rely on are facing disruption and reduction, narrowing down access to professional support when vulnerable young people need it most. Recent data shows that LGBTQ+ youth are being bullied at a higher rate than their peers, and cybers are on fire. They are likely to report more permanent grief and seriously consider suicide. Behind these statistics are school meetings, call for a late-night crisis, and actual families navigate faith messages that can sustain or crush vulnerable youth.
At Tyler’s Foundation, we invest in what works because we need to combine hope with practice. Our Upstander pledge gives people the skills to safely intervene by interrupting, providing information and interacting. Our goal is to turn passive bystanders into active upstandors and help institutions move from statements to standards taught, practiced and implemented.
What does it look like? He looks like a principal who implements a clear anti-riot policy every time, not just when the headline demands it. He looks like a youth minister to share in Sunday schools and youth groups, but everyone is completely and clearly created in the image of God, and backs it up with clear and clear programming. He looks like a HR manager who trains supervisors to interrupt harassment. And it appears that we are all choosing to act harder and more kinder in the moment. Pull the child aside, document and report what happened, and follow up until it stops. That’s what it means to be an upstandard.
Bullying doesn’t win when the community chooses to join and act together. I have seen school districts change the climate with consistent and caring leadership. I have seen parents become the safe port that their children need. Through programs like Upstander’s pledge, which has reached over 1 million people. School and workplace training until the first day. And in partnership with faith leaders, we have helped thousands of people learn simple, repeatable steps that make dignity a daily habit.
This is a cultural change. There are many brave and ordinary choices that are repeated every day by those who refuse to be on the bystanders rather than one epic gesture. It can feel exhausted and exhausted (especially in these troubled times), but it is necessary and can save lives.
If you’re a young person who’s been bullied, ask me: you’re not alone. Please reach out to me. There are adults who will stand with you, and there are friends who will do so. If you are a parent, caregiver, teacher, coach, or clergy member, you want the very person your child wants to be aware of kindness and inclusiveness and intervene. Leading the agency allows policies and examples to safely harm and open doors.
This is what I’m asking about this bullying prevention month. Keep your voice loudly. Become Upstander: Make Our Pledge www.tylerclementi.org. Share it with your school, workplace, or your faith community. Become a place where you have an influence with friends, colleagues, or neighbors. Let’s together protect the most vulnerable people in Tyler’s memory and for all young people looking for a place to belong. Their lives may depend on it.
The 11th annual Upstander Legacy Celebration, the Tyler Clenty Foundation’s biggest fundraiser, will be held at the Manhattan Penthouse on October 23rd. We honor upstanders Wilson Cruz and Marti Cummings, who are constantly working to make the world more inclusive, kind and respectful. For more information https://tylerclementi.org/ulc2025/.
Jane Clementi is co-founder and CEO of the Tyler Clementi Foundation and Tyler’s mother.
If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, call, text, or chat with 988 Suide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988 Suide & Crisis Lifeline 988lifeline.org 24/7 access to free and confidential services. Designed for trans or genderless people, the trans lifeline can be reached at (877) 565-8860. Lifeline also provides resources to support other crises, such as domestic violence situations. The Trevor Project Lifeline for LGBTQ+ Youth (ages 24 and under) can be accessed at (866) 488-7386. Users can also access the chat service thetrevorproject.org/help Or text will start until 678678.
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