How to cope when a partner gives you the silent treatment

Dear Michael,

My husband is a federal employee. Many of his colleagues have taken a “fork” or been fired. Therefore, the work was difficult. He always works late. Morale in his office is terrible. Due to the nature of the job, his paycheck disappeared with the closure, but he still had to come to work. He became increasingly depressed, irritable, and short-tempered.

I met Jason 20 years ago when I was young, and one of the reasons I fell in love with him was his idealism. He came to Washington because he wanted to contribute to the well-being of our country.

When I look at him now, it’s like he’s been put through a wringer. He has lost his idealism, feels unappreciated by our country, and is bitter.

He never wants to go out with friends. Either he doesn’t want to hear them complain about the same kinds of things he’s going through, or he doesn’t need to interact with people who are doing well in terms of work.

He doesn’t want to go out alone with us either. That’s why I stay at home a lot. But we don’t spend time together when we’re at home. He surfs the internet, doomscrolls, and plays video games.

I can’t get him to talk to me. He says, “I don’t want to talk about anything. It just makes me feel worse.” I can’t get him to do anything that will make him feel better. He doesn’t want to cook dinner with me, he doesn’t want to eat his favorite food that I make, and he doesn’t go for walks with the dog (exercise is supposed to make you feel better, right?).

I’m really worried about him. Obviously he’s depressed and nothing I try makes him feel better.

But on top of that, I’m starting to get irritated. How much can I do for him when he doesn’t respond or appreciate it?

So far I’ve gotten through this long job just fine, but now I feel like I’m being sucked into his depression and hopelessness. I’m starting to feel like giving up. I’m lonely, I miss my husband, and I’m despairing that he’ll never come back.

In short, I also hate my life now.

I don’t plan on going anywhere, but I’m worried that my main feelings for him are starting to become indifferent. Is there anything I can do to help him that I haven’t thought of?

Michael replies:

I’m sorry, but these are difficult times.

It’s understandable to sometimes feel fed up and want to distance yourself from someone you love when they’re suffering and feeling miserable.

There is a wonderful quote by Rabbi Tarfon, an ancient Jewish sage. “We can’t solve the whole world, but that doesn’t mean we should give up and do nothing to help.”

I remembered these words while reading your letter. You can’t make Jason change his mind or do anything for you, but you may be able to help him.

Similarly, you won’t have a great time in life if your husband is in a miserable situation, but you can take care of yourself and probably live a better life than you currently have.

First of all, I recommend that you continue to remind yourself that this is definitely one of the most difficult periods in your husband’s life. Therefore, it is a very good idea to be as open and considerate towards Jason as possible. This is not easy. Keep in mind that getting angry or frustrated with Jason won’t solve anything.

Don’t force Jason to do anything. Often, when we force someone to do something they don’t want to do, we only push them further into the corner. People generally don’t like being nagged.

Of course, you can also ask Jason if he would like to join you for a walk or outing, but do so with caution. You can claim what you want, but it’s up to Jason to decide what he wants to do.

You can also ask Jason what he wants from you, especially when you’re complaining. I love the “three H” concept. Does he want you to do that? listen (just ask)? do you like him? help (advice on what to do)? Or is he simply hug?

With your presence and continued love, the best message you can send to Jason is, “I’m here. You’re not alone.” Even when he wants to stay in the basement and play video games. You are not criticizing him or criticizing him. Maybe you bake some cookies that you both like and leave them on a platter for him to eat when he wants. (Please try it as a reward for yourself.)

In terms of larger interventions, you could suggest that Jason see a therapist, or that he meet with his doctor to discuss the possibility of antidepressants to get him through this awful time. For example, in a sincere conversation you might say something like:

“I’m worried about you. I really want to encourage you to get help. My love for you will only go so far. It’s not going anywhere, but I want you to take seriously how miserable you are. Even if your situation is terrible and you feel disillusioned, I’m here to encourage you that maybe you can feel better.”

Again, trying to persuade or force Jason into action probably won’t help.

Now let’s focus on you. Living with a depressed spouse can be a harrowing and soul-crushing experience. As you described, you’re watching a loved one suffer and you’re losing your partner in many of the things that make life enjoyable.

To overcome this situation, you need to accept that there are limits to what you can do for Jason. And part of that is increasing our commitment to self-care. If you take care of yourself, you may be able to avoid becoming too unhappy and resentful. Does he not want to get together with friends? Consider going anyway and at least try your best to have a good time. The same goes for walking the dog, eating a good meal, or sitting down to watch a movie you want to watch. You may also consider meeting with a therapist for ongoing support and strategies.

Although this period in your life is very difficult, remember that this period will likely come to an end, that better times are likely to come for you and Jason, and that in the meantime, doing your best to find ways to take care of yourself while being a supportive and loving spouse will help you survive.

michael radkowskiPh.D. in Psychology. He is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in Washington, DC. You can find it online. michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed to maintain confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].