The leader carefully explained the next steps of the exercise. First, he congratulated us on passing the “Beach Night,” which we called “the test.” He then talked about the newly formed lifelong bond we had and the opportunity to open our hearts to a new family. He said that the hole we dug would serve as a sacred space to reveal our secrets.
“This is a safe space, an open space for you to share yourselves in order to grow closer as brothers,” he said.
It was so cold that my jaw was shaking, but I didn’t care. I was fascinated by what was happening around me.
One by one, the brothers began opening up about their shattered athletic careers, struggles with drug addiction, eating disorders, and anxiety. They talked about the loss of family and friends. As each person revealed their own struggles, fears, and mistakes, it felt like a weight was lifted from me. We were exposing our true, unfiltered selves. It was an opportunity to embrace our imperfections and let go of judgment.
When it was my turn to share, it felt right to reveal the intense trauma that I had kept hidden for years. I told my brothers about the sexual abuse I had suffered at the hands of a trusted family friend.
“I thought he had all the answers. I didn’t want to do something like that with him, but I felt like I had to,” I said. I told him about how I had confessed my feelings for men to him when I was 13, and how shortly thereafter he started courting me.
I told them, trying to put into words what I was experiencing for the first time. “My family loved him. He was always there. All I knew was his word. He made me seek validation and used it to take advantage of me.”
My sentences tumbled over each other, spittle flying from my trembling lips.
“It was like he wanted me to stay locked away forever, like my sexuality was our little secret,” I said.
It was the first time I had shared such a traumatic memory with someone. This confession to my vow brothers ended up sending me on a three year healing journey. Shortly after “Beach Night” I finally started therapy. I never pursued it before because I was embarrassed to talk about what my abuser did to me.
My sworn brothers approached me at the triangular hole, hugged me, and held my hand.
“This brotherhood has made me realize what life is all about: having a group of friends who love me. That’s all I can ask for,” I told them.
This was what I always wanted. It’s a community where I can be supported and be myself. As I sat in that hole at 6am and experienced the true care and acceptance of my brothers, I felt I had finally found it.
I know not all gay pledges are as lucky as me. Despite all the progress our society has made, homophobia remains pervasive. Not just in Greek life, but in our country and around the world. I was simply looking for a place to belong and a brotherhood to share my life with, but I believe joining this fraternity has changed and opened my heart. Additionally, I hope that by telling my story, I may be able to open the minds of those who think it is impossible for gay men to succeed in fraternities.
In my experience, it is not only possible, but also beneficial for all siblings involved. This is a testament to the progress we have made as a society, and a reminder of the work we still have to do to ensure everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, can find a place where they feel accepted, respected, and valued.
“Beach Night” was really a turning point in my life, and then everything changed. I never thought that a group of wandering boys would be able to come together, but they did. I couldn’t be more grateful to them for helping me.
Note: This essay was originally published as HuffPost It aired in June 2024 and is currently being rebroadcast as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series. Some names and certain details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned in this essay.
Tanner Aiello’s book explores his experience as the first openly gay man in his college fraternity. He is currently finishing his debut novel, Tales of a Gay Frat Star. Follow his book journey on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @gayfratstar.
Need help? Visit RAINN National Sexual Assault Online Hotline or National Sexual Violence Resource Center website.
Source: BuzzFeed – LGBTQ – www.buzzfeed.com
