Book Excerpt: Randy Rainbow for President!

Imagine what a sparkling, entertaining world this would be if Randy Rainbow were President of the United States

Not only would we have our first gay and Jewish president, but we would have a leader for whom camp and humor — not the threat of nuclear weapons and defunding public schools for acknowledging the transgender community — would be a guiding tenet. A leader whose razor-sharp, biting wit would make even the most fearsome, loathsome opponent — be it Vladimir Putin or JD Vance — cower in a corner.

Randy Rainbow would be a president for all — a Rainbow coalition, as he himself puts it.

In his new book, Low-Hanging Fruit: Sparkling Whines, Champagne Problems, and Pressing Issues from My Gay Agenda (St. Martin’s Press, $28), the comedian whose scorchingly satirical, magnificently crafted YouTube videos set the internet ablaze whenever a new one drops, presents his case for taking on the highest office of the land. It’s one chapter nestled in a book filled with tremendous wit, bitchy zing, and wildly zany observations from a satirist who has become this generation’s Tom Lehrer.

“It’s not a memoir,” Rainbow says of the book during a recent chat. “It’s my first, I would say, humor essay book. My first book, Playing with Myself, was a memoir, and it was more a chronological timeline of personally and professionally of how I arrived at this point. This book was a lot more fun in that I just had the freedom to go wherever I wanted to.”

He wrote it while on an eight-month tour of his live show. While he loved being on stage, the drudgery of schlepping from city to city and holing up in a strange hotel every night took a toll. So Rainbow decided to embark on writing as a form of self-therapy.

“I was miserable,” he says. “So I decided to make the theme kind of complaining. It’s kind of variations on a theme — the theme being me complaining about every damn thing. But I do it in a way that each chapter is its own little pastiche.”

The “Randy Rainbow for President” chapter, for instance, “is sort of a stump speech, as though I’m talking to a crowd. There are some personal essays — one written by my cat, who Yelp reviews her experience living with me.

“The other essay that’s getting a little buzz, I must tell you, is one I’m very proud of. It’s called, ‘My Name is A.’ And if you can’t guess what the subject matter is, it’s told from the perspective of an embittered vowel who was dropped by a certain icon from her name — Barbra Streisand. So this is sort of the A’s memoir. There are also some very personal stories, there’s some sex stuff, and a guest appearance by my mother. It’s all over the place.”

Rainbow wants people to buy the hard copy of the book, to be sure — and they can do just that on Sunday, Oct. 20, at 3 p.m. in Washington, D.C., when he sits down with queer compatriot, the brilliant tech journalist and political pundit Kara Swisher, at Sidwell Friends School, in the city’s North Cleveland Park neighborhood, for a conversation.

“I would like everyone to have a physical copy because it’s adorable,” he says, hoisting a copy. “And there are quotes! Not only on the back from Mark Hamill, but on the inside flap from Judi Dench! She calls me brilliant!

“But,” he continues, “I really want to encourage people to listen to the audiobook because I kind of wrote this with an audiobook in mind. And because so much of it is performative. We produced the audiobook sort of like an old-school radio variety special. There are sound effects and musical interludes, and the great Pamela Adlon voices the role of my cat. And my mother and I actually have the conversation that you read. It’s a fun listen.”

Apart from his pitch for the presidency, Rainbow is decidedly anxious a few weeks out from the election.

“I’m emotionally drained and trying to be hopeful,” he admits. “This one feels really rough to get through. I think because, at this point, we’ve seen every possible outcome. I take nothing for granted anymore. I kind of miss the good old days when I was a little more ignorant to the reality that things might not always go the way we think and we hope, because it was just more fun. So I’m looking forward to it all being over. I’m doing my best to try to laugh my way through it, but it’s taking a toll. We’re almost there, thank God.”

Naturally, he’s hoping for a Kamala Harris win, but says, in a resigned tone, “No matter the outcome, you know there’s going to be some kind of chaos, and it’s not going to end when it ends. So the story goes on.” –Randy Shulman

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The following chapter, “Randy Rainbow for President,” is from Low-Hanging Fruit by Randy Rainbow. Copyright ©2024 by the author, and is reprinted with permission of St. Martin’s Press.

My fellow Americans…

Friends…! Countrymen…! Gurl…! Lend me your ears and your bank accounts. How the hell did we get here? I ask you, when did we stop demanding the best for ourselves and our country? When did we go from Mary Tyler Moore to Marjorie Taylor Moron? From Sex and the City to January Sixth Committee? From “It’s Raining Men” to “Make America Great Again”? You get the point! Well, I say, “No more!” I say we deserve the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness enshrined in the Declaration of Independence.

For years, as I’ve schlepped tirelessly around this great nation, spreading joy and mirth and probably COVID a couple times (whatever), people have consistently told me — with intense and fervid passion — that I should run. Admittedly, it was mostly in red states and the people were usually carrying tiki torches, but never mind; I know what they really meant!

Which is why I, Randy Elizabeth Rainbow, meeting nearly all qualifications except the thirty-five-years-of-age requirement (shut the fuck up), have decided to run for president of the United States of America! No, not as a Democrat, and certainly not as a Republican. I’m forming a new party! A Rainbow coalition, if you will. A party of the people! People from all walks of life, from sea to shining sea except Alabama and North Florida!

Sure, votes may swing harder than Bill Clinton at any event Hillary’s not attending, but my friends, I ask you, why not? It can’t possibly get any worse, and what do we have to lose? I promise to be the most progressive candidate since FDR and the fiercest former twink to occupy the White House since Jared Kushner. But I can’t do it alone! Together we can find a better America! Are you with me? Do you have the courage to make a change? Do you have the courage to take on Trump, gun control, and climate change? Do you have the courage to support me financially from this point going into the election and then maybe a little bit after that? Then America, gurl, look no further.

Now, I’m sure many of you out there are wondering what my positions are, other than just “vers bottom.” And I can hear you asking yourselves, “Exactly what experience will you bring to the job, Madam YouTube Song Parodist? What makes you think you have the skill, aptitude, or competence to lead an actual nation? Why should we vote for you?” Well, my answer is simple: This is America, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned in recent years, it’s that experience is overrated and competence is the last thing a person needs to win an election. I’m just like the rest of you (only a little better): an above-average citizen with opinions I choose to believe are facts, an enemies list a mile long, and dozens of unpaid parking tickets I’m trying to get out of. Aren’t those reasons enough?

Besides, I’ve taken a more “learn as you go” approach to all the jobs I’ve held, and I’m learning new things every single day. For example, it’s recently been brought to my attention that there is a landmass between Chicago and wherever the TV show Yellowstone is filmed… a landmass and a collection of states now near and dear to my heart. The rights of those people must be and will be upheld and respected under a Rainbow administration (except for gun stuff and cargo pants).

Over the last several years, we’ve seen our elected officials abusing their power like never before, and here’s my take on that: I think it’s fabulous. If elected, I will weaponize the shit out of every agency in the Department of Justice and on day one have my attorney general investigating every ex-boyfriend, casting director, and Amazon customer service representative who’s ever done me dirty. That’s the kind of proactive leadership you can expect from me.

The alleged climate crisis is another huge concern for Gen Z as well as certain Americans who perpetually question the Earth’s flatness and the existence of Santa Claus. The consequences of our inaction regarding climate change are already upon us. The ozone’s hole is now wider than Mike Pence’s during a Christmas in July movie marathon on the Hallmark Channel, and we must act responsibly for our children’s future. I mean your children. I don’t have any because I hate kids, but you know what I mean. I believe the children are our future, and changing climate change changes children’s chances and makes the planet safer for us all! To quote well-known Swedish environmental activist Greta Thunberg, “Keep my wife’s name out your fucking mouth!” I think I may have the wrong quote there, but let’s try to stay focused. Here are some things I am willing to do (as well as a few I am absolutely not willing to do) as president to combat climate change.

Hairspray, like many aerosol products, contains hydro-flybo-flubo-carbons—potent greenhouse gases that contribute to global warming. Sadly, I cannot ban these products because, as you know, my hair’s my thing. Sorry.

Air travel accounts for roughly four percent of energy-related CO2 emissions, and those abusing private jets are responsible for nearly ten to twenty times as much carbon pollution as those flying commercially. Unfortunately, I’ve been flying private since, like, 2019, and it’s just sooooo hard to go back. Therefore, I will continue using Air Force One and also add a second jet for wardrobe and accessories. Then I’m good, I swear.

That said, I feel very strongly about the polar bears and Leonardo DiCaprio, so I have come up with a plan to immediately fight climate change. If elected, within my first six-to eight-hundred days, I will launch Mega MAGA Mania Real Estate, a brand-new business venture I’ve been working on that will offer MAGA, gun-loving climate deniers exclusive coastal investment opportunities to buy up some Donald Trump–level real estate at Eric Trump prices! All properties that, thanks to our gross inaction, will be swampier and less inhabitable than Chris Christie’s underpants within the next decade. (Talk about gross inaction…)

But that’s not all, America! To reduce the environmental stress of home cooling systems during summer months, all citizens will receive a super-cute Randy Rainbow tank top with matching booty

shorts. You’ll look as fire as the Earth’s surface feels and help reduce our environmental footprint, all while importing the finest and most economically efficient nylon clothing China can offer!

Homeland security is another major concern for many. Each year, our country is invaded by millions of dangerous and unwanted individuals who refuse to stay where they belong. That is why as your new president, I will sign executive order 13228675309 ordering immediate construction of a border wall along the northern panhandle of my home state, Florida. This will offer Americans in Georgia, Alabama, and beyond the protection they deserve from dangerous, unwanted individuals like Ron DeSantis and all residents of Mar-a-Lago. It will also prevent my mother from trying to visit me so frequently.

Of course, border walls do not come cheap these days, which is why I propose we start with some really cute curtains or maybe a bunch of those room dividers from IKEA. I’m currently working

out logistics and funding. Have no fear, though, taxpayers. This will in no way affect the federal budget. I promise that once construction begins, it will be paid for in full by longtime Palm Beach resident Rush Limbaugh. I’ve already left him a voicemail but am still awaiting a reply. Frankly, I don’t know what’s taking so long.

My fellow Americans, there are few things we pretend to care about more than the role of vice president. That is why I vow to choose my running mate prudently, ensuring the best possible

candidate for you, the American people…the same way literally thousands of other great American presidents before me have been doing for centuries: on Grindr. Much like Trump, I firmly believe my VP should be well-hung.

This brings us to another important role that deeply requires hard-core filling, and that is the role of first gentleman. As many of you are aware, I am currently single. I know, it’s hard to believe. Even more, it’s an attribute historically frowned upon in politicians seeking office. Let it be known far and wide that I will be leaving the door open in that department. Quite literally. I am willing to leave the actual doors to the White House open to accommodate all qualifying eligible bachelors and late-night booty calls. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll probably just do what Donald did with Melania and get something from a catalog.

I have no doubt, voters, that you are waiting to hear my stance on other major issues like abortion and the Middle East conflict…. Haaaaiiiiil-to-the-chief-to-the-no! Those topics are way too controversial, and I’m not about to get canceled in the middle of trying to land a cushy new job. My publicist would kill me.

Trust me, America, I would love to address your concerns regarding a number of global issues. It’s just that between finding the right eleven o’clock number to sing at my inauguration and designing a whole merch line for this campaign, I don’t have the bandwidth right now. To quote a 1999 episode of MTV’s Making the Video featuring Miss Britney Spears, I just have way too much choreography in my head right now. Rest assured that once elected, I will never make any major decisions regarding foreign or military affairs without first consulting my secretary of defense, Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium.

And that’s my formal pitch, folks! Listen, this country — she ain’t what she used to be. But the winds of change are upon us, and our destiny depends on which way that wind blows. Let me blow you right, America! (Or left if that’s what you’re into.) This place is a damn mess! I don’t have all the answers, but I can promise you this: That big orange skid mark left in the panties of America by our forty-fifth president is only temporary (sorry I said “panties”). Our love for one another and our duty to protect democracy (sorry I said “doody”) must always Trump the disdain we feel for any one piece-of-shit asshole fuckhead politician (sorry I said “Trump”).

Let’s do this in 2024…or 2028…or 2032! My platform will never change, and thanks to the wonders of modern cosmetic science, neither will my age. Just remember: A Randy Rainbow administration will fight intolerance, fix climate change, strengthen the economy, balance the Supreme Court, and renew Gossip Girl on HBO Max (now just Max). You know I can do it! George Washington rejected the idea of any one king reigning over this great republic, but he never said a damn thing about letting a kween run this mutha! Vote for me, and let’s finally get this nation back up on her high heels where she belongs!

Or don’t. I don’t give a shit.

Randy Rainbow appears in conversation with Kara Swisher on Sunday, Oct. 20, at 3 p.m. at Sidwell Friends, 3825 Wisconsin Ave. NW. Presented by Politics & Prose. Tickets are $40 and include a copy of Low-Hanging Fruit. Visit www.politics-prose.com/events.

Can’t make the event? Purchase Low-Hanging Fruit wherever you buy books or support your local booksellers such as Politics & Prose. Click here to buy.

Buy the audio copy of Low-Hanging Fruit at www.Amazon.com.

Follow Randy Rainbow on X at @RandyRainbow and on YouTube at @RandyRainbowOfficial.

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