Three years later, when I turned 20, I moved a cross -country far away from my friends and family -Hanna. Leaving my hometown was another part of letting go of my daughter. I started the day she put her in her new parents’ arm. Seeing Hannah, 6 months old, was adopted, helped me to convince me that everything should have been. Our connection was cut. It’s time for me to go ahead. We are now able to live in our rest of our lives freely.
I created a new house in Southern California, and within a month after moving there, I met my future husband at a punk concert where he had protected me with a mosh pit. Two years later, when I was surprised that I was pregnant, we were planning a wedding.
This time, I felt that the baby was ready, but I felt that there was an unthinkable guilt about giving a baby in less than six years after giving the first person for adoption. Ta.
I have never stopped thinking about Hannah – Once。 However, my adoption had forced me to grow up quickly, and I did it. I came out stronger. Sturdy. wise. I continued to feel so many emotions, but now I was able to handle most of them. The guilt was another story.
It was difficult to explain the people of my life, including my husband and mother, exactly what I felt. Everyone was cooperative, but I couldn’t expect to understand the huge and complexity of how they had other babies.
At one point, I reached out to Hannah’s birth father. We were our best friend at first, but we dated a fateful visit to Hannah in 6 months. It was difficult for us, but on that day he was attacking him more violently than I noticed. He couldn’t separate Hannah from me and wanted a beautiful slate, and he broke up with me immediately after seeing her.
I was destroyed, but I finally noticed that he did the right thing. Still, sometimes, in a difficult day, I leave my husband with my husband, go to drink coffee, sit out and dial my original number. I hope he may tell me what I need to hear -even if he understands what I feel -he has to go In the end, he will speak to my phone together for a few minutes before he stops.
The only person I thought I understood some specific and mysterious pain I felt was Hannah itself, and she was in elementary school, hundreds of miles away. Later, I will know that she was seeking support by making friends with other adoptions at school.
My emotions, guilt, longing, I don’t know what to do with these things I didn’t feel -I just maintained the image of a baby hanna sitting on my knees. When I let another daughter sleep at night, I think about her.
Nobody really talks about what follows you through your life after adoption. There is nothing like a beautiful break. I knew that my little girl might not know me, but I saw her face anywhere -her adopted parents kept me sending me. The face of the other children in the store, the time of the story of the library, and even my daughter continued to send me when I gave her the avocado that I broke. I was wondering if Hannah had seen my face in the crowd.
Photos and letters from Hanna’s adopted parents arrived for 1-2 months every month when she was a baby, but when she was an infant, I once or twice a year. I received the update only. I hurriedly opened each envelope, read the letter twice, and my eyes remained in all words. I smiled because she loved the photo and she looked like she did when she was her age.
There was evidence that Hannah had a wonderful life. Her parents took her to her contact zoo and built a wooden house in her. They threw a big birthday party and her family. Her family went to the church every week, including the brothers who were still adopted. Who am I trying to compare with it? I thought. So I worked hard with my daughter, but never stopped thinking about a small girl I gave up.
When Hannah turned six, my husband, daughter, and I returned to my hometown to meet my family for Christmas. Hanna’s family lived one hour away from me, and they invited me. We arranged this meeting through mail, as we went to when we met Hannah for six months, instead of using adopted organizations. I was excited to meet her, but I was cautious. This kind of visit was dangerous because it was not part of our contract. I was worried and ran around a list of long questions in my head. Does she recognize me? Will she approve my husband and daughter? Does she look like me? Will she hate me?
When she rushed into my stomach and said, only in our first moment, on the stairs in front of her house, “I said that I left me on you. My eyes. As I focused on my face, I felt the air from the guard from the guard to how sweet she said.
It was also stabbed. Why did you let go of this child? It takes years to fully understand how the single litterberry pork has changed me -Her little finger digests all the emotions recalled by one jab -I am now I knew that it was the moment I worked hard to break it.
Source: BuzzFeed – LGBTQ – www.buzzfeed.com
