I felt every minute go by. UnionNetflix has received a lot of criticism for making movies that are so mediocre and bland that they barely seem like movies at all. Union It’s so bland and unentertaining that you could certainly file a complaint.
Julian Farino’s Union Simply put, it’s a waste of time. Everyone’s time: your time, my time, and the time of the people who made the movie. Film critic Gene Siskel asked, “Is this movie more interesting than a documentary in which the same actors have lunch?” And I say, dear reader: Union, A documentary about employment in catering services would be more interesting.
Modern Hollywood seems hell-bent on casting big name actors who don’t have chemistry with the audience. Back in the day, they would at least do screen tests to see if the stars would mesh well and be worth watching. Maybe they stopped doing that to save money. Good for them, but unfortunately, it means I’ll have to sit through a spy movie starring Halle Berry and Mark Wahlberg until the end, when the two leads have so little chemistry that they feel like they’re in different rooms even when they’re on the same screen.
The worst part is that they are childhood sweethearts. It’s almost hard to believe they spoke to each other after the cameras stopped rolling, much less that they dated or grew up together. Union It’s another movie in which the two romantic leads never kiss.
I don’t know if it’s a generation that’s sex-shy, or the still-silly taboo of interracial kissing, or just plain laziness, but whatever it is, I hate it.
Farino and screenwriters Joe Barton and David Guggenheim work tirelessly to make sure nothing happens that isn’t funny, romantic, or entertaining. I’m sure some of the lines were meant to be jokes, but I didn’t find any of them funny, like when Wahlberg’s Mike sleeps with his seventh-grade English teacher. Laughable. Dana Delany is a fine actress, but she’s wasted on this joke that seems to be going nowhere but never quite gets going.
The frustrating thing is that on paper Union It’s not a bad idea. Burton and Guggenheim eschew the espionage genre by reimagining archetypal spy characters. Instead of mysterious cosmopolitan men and women, we have decent, working-class characters. Instead of the FBI, we have The Union, a top-secret shadow government organization full of ex-blue-collar everyday people.
But the script is so stupid that Wahlberg goes undercover as a guy from Boston when he’s from New Jersey. I’m no sociologist, but Boston is just as working class as New Jersey, not to mention the fact that Wahlberg’s New England accent would be the same no matter where his character is from. This could be a joke, but the movie isn’t smart enough to make it matter.
The co-op is run by Tom Brennan (J.K. Simmons), a quiet, no-nonsense guy who runs the organization like a well-maintained construction site, and while Simmons is great, he’s just lifting the same type of character he played in the movie. Patriot’s DayThis time he’s wearing a Detroit Tigers hat, and frankly, he has more personality than any of the other characters. Union.
Berry’s Rocks is The Union’s James Bond. Like Simmons, Berry gets in and out unscathed. She’s not cutting corners, but that’s because neither Farino nor the script give her a phone number. In other words, she does her best with the least amount of work I’ve ever seen. X-Men movie.
Ironically, the two who had the best chemistry were Berry and Mike Colter as Nick Faraday, who plays her ex-boyfriend, and compared to Wahlberg, Berry and Colton pretty much melt the screen. Union Colton and Wahlberg’s roles are reversed.
But unfortunately, we must return to the movie I saw. It is not the movie I was hoping for. Falion and the script were UnionAs soon as Mike, played by Wahlberg, was hired, Union Escape the streets of Jersey and experience the upscale vibe of London.
The script plays into this idea by having the members introduce themselves as being from “Local 15-12.” Jackie Earle Haley plays a character called Foreman. UnionHe’s so named because he was once a foreman, and the only character who feels like a real person is Lorraine Bracco as Mike’s mother.
atmosphere Union Farion plays Springsteen in the hope that it will bolster the film’s blue-collar authenticity; playing Charlie XCX doesn’t make the movie any more hip or exciting. Union It feels more like a playlist than a soundtrack.
Burton and Guggenheim’s script frequently portrays itself as celebrating the working class — unions are seen as the elite of the elite, the elite cleaning up the mess left by other alphabet institutions — but Fallion’s aesthetic is as glossy and bright as an adult Disney movie; there’s not a single character in the film who feels like they’ve never worked a day in their life.
Union It doesn’t exploit the class divide they create at all. The CIA are portrayed as cocky sorority boys, and that’s it. And they’re barely in the film. If anyone in this movie had any idea what they were doing, Union What could have been a breath of fresh air is Hollywood drivel using progressive Tumblr buzzwords with no understanding of what they mean.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh, and the scene where Athena the Union doctor (Alice Lee) gives Wahlberg’s Mike a psychiatric evaluation did make me laugh, mainly because she slaps him a few times, which felt like karma.
The action scenes could have been more exciting in a better movie. There’s a high-end sports car chase down the Italian coast at the end, which is pretty close. Alan Stewart’s camera is well lit and well framed. Union It almost feels like a Disney movie for grown-ups, draining the chase of any real tension, but Farion and Stewart keep the pacing light and, with Pia di Ciaula’s editing, somehow make it enjoyable.
If I were to sit here and Union I never stop writing, I never reach the heights of masterpieces, which have to feel as though they’re carved from something, somewhere, or someone, not like shoddy fare off a production line.
Union It’s an hour and 45 minute movie about a bunch of talented professionals coming together to earn a paycheck. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years and I can say that these types of movies are the worst to watch all the way through. They wear down your patience and your soul.
Image courtesy of Netflix
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