For many people, asking a single man for intimacy advice feels like asking a vegetarian to judge a barbecue competition. But this assumption says more about our cultural background than it does about singleness.
The sexual liberation movement of the 1960s argued that romance and sex were necessary for happiness, but that sex had nothing to do with marriage or having children. In response, Christian purity culture largely accepted the doctrine of the sexual revolution, but pretended to be Jesus on it. represented by Joshua Harris Kissed goodbye on a datethe anti-Christian movement acknowledged that romance and sex were necessary to be a full Christian, and that marriage was primarily for self-actualization. Purity Culture simply added a spiritual paywall. If you remain completely celibate, God will reward you with “that thing.” However, sexual sin can permanently damage your bond with your future spouse and jeopardize whether you will ultimately marry.
As a teenager growing up immersed in Christian purity culture and MTV dating shows, I came to see my desire for intimacy as a dangerous little intruder that threatened my chances at marriage, love, and happiness. After that, I became more and more convinced that God was calling me to lifelong celibacy for the sake of the kingdom, and my relationship with my sexual desires changed. Sometimes they seemed pointless. It’s annoying. Other times it felt like a test to prove to God that I was faithful. Sometimes they felt like torture, reminding me of what I would never have.
Our desire for intimacy is just one expression of a deeper human truth. In other words, we are intimacy-seeking creatures.
Alongside realizing I was professionally single, I was also beginning to accept how dysfunctional my relationship with desire was. A decade of being ashamed of being gay, hiding in the closet, and self-medicating my loneliness and self-loathing with lust and pornography, leading to a full-blown sex addiction. I knew I needed help. So I attended weekly sexual addiction recovery meetings and began to deepen my understanding of desire. Little did I know that recovering sex addicts (with a little help from St. Thomas Aquinas) would teach me how to reject both the sexual revolution and purity culture and live faithfully celibate while enjoying deep intimacy.
First, I learned from my brothers and sisters in recovery that my desires aren’t actually about sex. I have repeatedly heard from “old-schoolers” who have been sober for decades that their unmet sexual needs were never satisfied, even though they had sex with all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations, and in all kinds of arrangements before recovery. They each had a King Solomon moment and realized that sexier wives and weirder sex weren’t the problem. But then they leaned into the addiction recovery process. They learned to recognize and care for their own painful emotions. They brought their pain to others in vulnerable friendships. And they were satisfied. They chose to accept, one day at a time, the bittersweet reality of living in a broken world, to take care of themselves inwardly, to give devoted love to others, and to experience the true satisfaction of their need for intimacy.
As a Christian pursuing celibacy, I found this realization to be paradigm-changing. When I believed that lack of marriage and sex was the cause of my loneliness, it was easy to assume that my calling was uniquely difficult. That belief fueled self-pity, lowered my motivation, and allowed me to indulge in my addiction. But when my married friends started reassuring me that the pain of intimacy wasn’t going away with their spouses and sex, I felt…strangely…relief. If a married person with an active sex life still feels lonely and unseen, then perhaps my longing is not evidence that I was particularly burdened. Maybe I was just a human. Loneliness wasn’t just for single people. And I started thinking that the solution is the same for all of us. It is about viewing our sexuality and sexual desires more broadly as a longing for connection in the context of community, fulfilled in non-sexual, non-romantic intimacy that is emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and even physically fulfilled.
Second, what I learned is that st thomas aquinas The point is that each of our desires is trying to lead us to what is really good for us (though sometimes in very roundabout ways). God first created us to desire what is inherently good and designed us to enjoy it. Indeed, the Fall brought about distortions in all of creation, completely impairing our capacity for desire. But our natural desire for goodness is only broken, not lost. At the heart of all distorted desires is an unfulfilled desire for what we really need. As a result, the solution is not to crush broken desires. It’s about discovering the good things we really crave right now and redirecting our desires to enjoying those good things. For my mentors in sex addiction recovery, this was often akin to recognizing a desire to sexually objectify others, and then flexing mental, emotional, and spiritual muscles to identify sadness or unresolved conflict. Each of these was something that could be addressed by connecting with others in non-sexual but intimate ways.
Our desire for intimacy is just one expression of a deeper human truth. In other words, we are intimacy-seeking creatures. This yearning is not limited to love and sex. We are also wired to seek beauty, adventure, purpose, and contentment. We seek the awe of sunsets, the thrill of risk, the pride of accomplishment, and the comfort of good food. These desires do not interfere with spiritual life. They are the echoes of Eden! They remind us that we are created for worship, mission, and connection, not self-sufficiency.
But each of these desires, like intimacy itself, can draw us toward or warp us from communion. Ambition can fuel a meaningful mission or become selfish empire building. Adventures can inspire holy courage or escapism. Hunger can nourish or enslave. Sexual desire can lead us to bonding and objectification. Desire is like a fire, it can heat a house or set it on fire. The goal is not to make it disappear, but to preserve it through wisdom, structure, and care.
If Aquinas and my recovery mentor are right, the key to satisfying intimacy isn’t more sex or hotter sexual partners. Because our desire for intimacy isn’t actually about sex. Nor does God ask us to live in ruthless self-denial. God invites us to love others deeply in a way that truly fulfills our desires. The key is to become a researcher of your desires and live life to the fullest.
God created each of us for human connection within human community. How can we know that? Because God delights in faithful, sacrificial love in community, and He created us in His image for the same purpose. Furthermore, Genesis 2:18 makes clear that God created us for more than just a connection to Him. Even before sin entered the world, Adam was alone. Not because God was lacking, but because God created humans to need one another. And while Eve was Adam’s wife, she was also his first friend and ally, pointing to the New Jerusalem that Jesus would build, better than the Garden of Eden, where marriage and sex would no longer be necessary. Even Christians like me, called to celibate celibacy for the sake of the Kingdom, are still called to deep, intimate, non-sexual relationships with others. God wants us to connect and love to the fullest.
Moreover, God’s wisdom in the Bible regarding our sexual management is not meant to test us by arbitrarily depriving us of the pleasures that truly satisfy us. Rather, God knows that in a fallen world with fallen hearts and minds, humans unconsciously reach for the lowest rotten fruit. We can easily be fooled by the enemy into eating fruit that looks delicious but is rotten inside. God sees the proverbial hot stove in our world glowing and wanting to touch us. Because we know they hurt us, even if they seem fun. Because God loves us, He encourages us not to touch Him.
But God doesn’t just warn us about things we shouldn’t touch. More importantly, God encourages us to learn from and satisfy our desires. The key to maximizing intimacy was to become a student of my desires. To see my inner desires as a check engine light trying to show me what I really need, and to discover the goodness that the image of God within me is holding out, despite the often messy and crooked things mixed in. Be proactive about meeting healthy needs in healthy ways. Often this looks like dealing with painful emotions within ourselves and enjoying self-sacrificing love with others.
In other words, God created us to aspire to. So let’s admire it.
Source: Christ and Pop Culture – christandpopculture.com
