Coaching chose me. Not because I am so smart but I still had to learn so much.

Coaching chose me. It’s not because I’m very smart, but I still had to learn so much.

by Alex VerrekMasterCoach, CPCC.
Author of “Q60:60 Question Coaching Mastery” and “Golden Rules for Coaching.”

A common misconception about coaching is that coaches have all the answers. One of the most important lessons a coach must learn is to let go of that assumption itself. Many of us come to this in our professional lives. But things get much more complicated when we try to adopt a coach-like mindset in our personal lives.

In preparation for my third book, Q60: Coaching Mastery with Questions at 60:60I received many questions from fellow coaches. At 60, I wanted to give back rather than accept the gift. In one way or another, all the questions were directly related to the profession I had been practicing for nearly 20 years.

But then came a question I’ve never seen before coming: What was the most beautiful day in your life?

This question moved me to tears and I quickly felt the answer. It’s not a secret, but it’s the most personal thing I share in this book.

You can think of many beautiful moments in life. The various amazing things I experienced with my wife, the moments that saved my life while traveling or as I approached knocking on the door of heaven. However, when I remember the day I climbed the mountain with my son, my heart is filled with deep gratitude and pride. He had suffered from addiction for a long time. It was hard for him to reach the top of the mountain. Because it’s gently putting it down. His body was ruined by alcohol and drugs, causing his mind to paralyze.

For years I tried to convince him to abandon his addiction. Sometimes kind, often not. I’m driven by my own fears and what’s called “great ideas” about how to solve this problem. I was sure I knew best. But I completely missed the point. I coached many people who fully trusted them and were completely certain they were experts in their lives. That means they can change their path by making different choices. But with my own son, I couldn’t. I tried everything except I completely trust him.

Something changed that day. There was no responsibility or advice.

On top of that mountain I saw him looking at a distance, impressed by the view of 360. It was as if he could see the future. Future: Something he couldn’t see for a long time.

We spoke. We laughed. We cried. We were together. Although not his coach (!), I finally managed to self-control my solution and “just” stay with him instead. I’m interested. It allows him to process his thoughts and emotions in his own way, and connects dots.

It was a beautiful day as it got clean from being a problem solver. He decided to go to rehab and see an eye-addicted monster, so it was a beautiful day. He has been clean and calm ever since. Because he is stronger than me, I sometimes go back to the old habit of trying to solve other people’s problems.

It was the most beautiful day of my life, as I got my son back. It was the most beautiful day of my life as he claimed he had regained his life.

I am not responsible for the choices that led to his addiction, but I am responsible for how I bound him in all of this.

And that I cannot save him, that he has the right to make his own choices, and that he is responsible for the outcome of his choices, that I will save him It was only when I realized and accepted that I couldn’t. . Not an addict, a man. The man I love so much made him incredibly difficult to avoid trying to “rescue” him because he is my son. He may have jumped out of the mountain that day, but instead he jumped into life. Through his own self-capable choices.

Here, I’m crying again while I write this. But the old tears were washed away and replaced by tears of joy, gratitude and pride.

I still feel that “not going to rescue” with people near me is still a challenge. As a coach, I can generally self-manage it. As a partner, father, friend, son, and in other personal roles, I sometimes “fall out of the wagon.” It’s different when they ask for help or when I ask if they need any help. However, all my unsolicited advice holds the message that essentially I don’t trust them completely.

So I sometimes climb mountains and find another place in nature. There I look back at how I can love these people even more by viewing them as deeply creative and resourceful, without revising them.

Yes, we return to this cornerstone of a co-activation model that tells us that people are naturally, creative, resourceful and whole. This part of the model pops out for me with a context of curiosity. Because they have so many lessons for me. I am very grateful for these lessons, and have deep bowed to Karen and Henry Kimsey House, Phillip Sandal and Laura Whitworth, co-authored books on co-activeness, and made their knowledge with us. I’m sharing it. What they created influenced countless lives, including mine, and made the world a better place.

I am sure that on that beautiful day on the mountain, the ripple effects of the same-sex model saved my son’s life and that made my life even more enriched.

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For more information about Alex, please see https://alexverlek.nl/