A powerful way of thinking for 5 powerful love
By Raffi Bilek
Communication is not born from knowing how most of us do it. It’s a skill, like driving a car or learning a new sport, and it takes time and intentional practice to master it. And just as adopting a particular mindset makes it easier to learn to drive (such as hoping that other drivers will make mistakes), learning to communicate well in your relationships is much easier when you bring about the right perspective.
Below are five ideas that will help you build a solid foundation for improving communication and relationships overall. These are more than just abstract philosophical ideas. They are mental frameworks that you can use every day, creating connections, reducing competition and promoting intimacy.
1. No one can read the mind
I know you know this.
However, that is one of the most common pitfalls that couples fall into. It’s about hoping your partner will “know” what you’re feeling. “No one knows what you’re thinking or feeling unless you tell them,” Rogers said.
Our partners do not live in our minds and they do not experience the world exactly the same as us. What worries you may not bother your partner at all, and what bothers them may not even register with you. That’s why it’s extremely important to clearly communicate your emotions. Not when you get upset, but regularly.
On the other hand, you are not a mind leader either. You may think you know why your partner is quiet at dinner or is tempered after work, but you’re guessing until you check in and hear from them. Misunderstanding sighs and text messages is one of the easiest ways to start an unnecessary fight. (The couples I work with see exactly that every day.)
Take it home? Create a habit of sharing what is in your mind and asking what is in them. Be clear, confirm your understanding and do not assume that “explicit” means the same for both of you.
2. Usually people make sense
Most people, including your partner, have a reason to do what they do. They may not be good For reasons, they are the reasons why you make sense when you see the world through their eyes.
Thinking about someone who is loyal to their diet, then eating too much at dinner and slipping off. Overcoming by guilt and frustration, they polish a pint of ice cream. On the surface, this seems “irrational.” But if you understand their emotional states: shame, despair, stress, it suddenly makes sense. They were trying to calm themselves, even if it hindered their goals.
The same principle applies to partners. Maybe they forgot to pick up groceries. Maybe they snapped you after work. Maybe they stayed late in the office when you wanted quality time. While it is appealing to label these behaviors as compassionate or selfish, there are mostly backstories that explain their behavior (even if you are not satisfied with the behavior mentioned above).
Assuming that your partner’s actions make sense, no matter how you understand them, it opens the door to curiosity rather than judgment. The powerful line to approach is “help me understand.” A better understanding leads to a better connection (even if there is no agreement).
3. Assume good intentions
This is one of the most relationship-saving habits you can build. Assume that your partner will work, unless there is compelling evidence to the contrary.
Imagine two scenarios. In one, I think my partner is late for work to avoid cleaning the garage. In another case, you believe they were delayed due to an emergency crisis. In both cases, they missed the cleanup, but which interpretation will make you angry?
Choosing to believe in the best things about your partner will maintain the emotional tone of your marriage. It prevents small mistakes from turning into big explosions.
A useful practice here is to benefit from doubt as much as possible. If there are multiple ways to interpret the situation, choose a situation that supports the relationship until it proves that it is not. Of course, this does not mean ignoring the real problem or accepting repeated, harmful behavior. If the pattern continues, you can take it directly.
But in many cases, if you assume good intentions, you will suffer unnecessary wounds and prevent unnecessary fights. As one of my clients once discovered, a simple and strange question – “What does that mean?” – can turn a potentially explosive moment into a moment of understanding.
4. People make mistakes
This is humble but free: everyone ruins. you do. Your partner will do so. We all do that. Life is full of forgotten keys, broken plates, and missed plans.
It’s not the mistake itself that derails many couples, but the way they react to it. When your spouse forgets something important, you will behave them – or you can take a deep breath, feel your emotions, and respond with grace.
This does not mean ignoring your own frustration. You can still express that you are upset. But adding harsh criticism is rarely helpful. The next time you feel like assaulting, ask yourself this important question: Do you want my spouse to treat me when I get ruined? When you come up with the answer – treat your spouse like that.
5. Your partner is amazing
Finally, one of the most powerful ideas you can adopt: choose to focus on what your partner likes.
You chose this person for a reason (probably many reasons!). They may be kind, funny, witty or inspiring. They may make you laugh, fix your Wi-Fi, or comfort you after a difficult day.
As you inevitably do when frustration arises – it’s helpful to remember the big picture. It’s annoying that your partner forgets to take out the trash, but does that outweigh the way they support you through the challenge, or will it make your child laugh uncontrollably?
I often recommend maintaining a spiritual (or written) list of things couples are grateful for each other. The next time your partner gets ruined, pull out that list. It helps to respond from a perspective rather than pure stimulation.
Useful tricks: Ask yourself, “Is this still important in a year now?” In most cases, the answer is no. That doesn’t mean you dismiss your feelings – it means you contextualize them. You can be frustrated and Choose a response that strengthens the relationship rather than erode the relationship.
A shift in thinking can change everything
Empathic dialogue is not just what you say, but the attitude that brings to the conversation. When you remember that your partner can’t read your mind, they probably mean well (usually) they probably mean well, mistakes are normal, that they do fundamentally great things, you set the stage for deeper connections and for less conflict.
These ideas are like an emotional training wheel. When the conversation wobbles, they will stabilize you. They help you approach your partner with curiosity instead of accusations, grace instead of severity, and gratitude instead of resentment.
Marriage is a journey, and communication is the path you travel to. The better you get with this skill, the smoother the ride. And you’ll be more likely to enjoy your trip together.
Raffi Bilek is the director of Baltimore Therapy Center Author Couple Communication Handbook: Skills you’ve never learned for the marriage you’ve always wantedBased on this blog. Get the first two chapters for free www.thecommunicationbook.com!
Source: Spiritual Media Blog – www.spiritualmediablog.com
